Road Trips and Revelations
by miss ariake
Summary: A fan-fic featuring the members from Muse during the Resistance tour, we see an insight into Matt's life and how he copes with friendship and his growing love for Dom.
1. Chapter 1 : Road Trips And Revelations

Road trips and Revelations

This tour bus, always feels so small, always feels so close. Can't move one inch without…seeing him. Him, leaning on the table as he stares intently at the laptop screen. You'd think that in the space of ten years touring, I'd tire of seeing that sight. Tussled hair, laid-back wardrobe and those lips… those soft, tender lips…

"Hey Matt, you dozing off again?" He looks at me with a bemused grin, catching me off guard.

"Wha?" I glanced down, hoping I was the only who had jerked up to attention. "Ah, no, I was just…"

"Thinking about her again? When did you guys last talk?" He leant back on his chair and frowned at me. He was half right, I had been thinking about her, dreading the thought that she had told the others why we had broke up.

She had been my fiancé for several years, but with each day on the road, the lies were harder and harder to conjure. She was bound to find out, but surely if she knows, he would know. Dom, please tell me, behind those eyes, you don't know…

"Have you guys seen this site, it's jokes!" My awkward silence was thankfully broken by Chris coming down the stairs, laptop in hand. He looked at me, raising an eyebrow. Chris was the smart one, he could read me like an open book, he knew, he must… he has to…

"What site you on about?" Dom moved over in his seat, giving room to Chris. My paranoia was eating at me, so I also got up. Perhaps a strong coffee will knock some sanity back in me.

"The main Muse message board, they've got some crazy shit on here… *click* …was just looking at Main Muse…*click*… have you seen these Pornogenic Threads?" Chris crossed his arms, as Dom leant over to get a closer look. You don't need to get that close, have some goddamm space! I grinded my teeth, watching the two of them, near each other, breathing on each other, touching each other…

"Haven't you stirred that coffee enough?" Chris picked up on my anxiety, freaking me out and spilling the mug on the side.

"Shit!" It had spilt across my shirt, a burning sensation shook me out of my jealous coma. I ripped the top off, throwing it to the side, my stomach was angry and red, most likely like my face. Chris stood up, grabbing a tea towel off the rack.

"Here, you've got it on your jeans too" I snatched the towel from him, hate piercing through my eyes right back at him. This is your fault, you shouldn't have gotten close to him. I fucking hate you. "Hey, don't be mad at me, you're the clumsy one". I am mad at you, I thought, choosing to ignore his constant rambling afterwards. My trousers were slightly damp from the brew, so I wiped at them, hoping it wasn't going to ruin the fabric. These are nice jeans… a birthday present from…

"You okay, are you burnt at all?" Dom, so caring, so good, so beyond me, I don't even know what I'm thinking. He wouldn't want anything to do with me.

"Umm, it's cool. Thanks. I'm gonna… get changed," I mumble as I make a quick dash up the stairs. Was he watching me? I'd completely forgotten he was there, I was just rubbing away at my crotch, did he see that?

Crashing into my room, I kick the nearby amp and collapse onto the bed. Fuck, that hurts, why did I do that? What's wrong with me? I cover up my eyes, and lay flat on my back. I'm crying? No, impossible, worse has happened… no ,wait I really am crying. Stop it Matt, you're an adult. You're an adult, get over it. "Get over it Matt!" I whisper to myself, tears streaming down my face. If it makes me feel so euphoric, as high as I could even dream of reaching, why does it make me feel so dead now?

"Because love does crazy things like that."

"What?" I sat up abruptly, had I fell asleep, was I dreaming? I'm sure I heard Dom's voice by me. Despite my blurry vision, I tried to work out my surroundings. I was welcomed with an arm across my shoulders. My eyes finally met up with my comforter, smiling at me. He's smiling? Did I say something out loud? My face flushes once again with embarrassment, I feel like an idiot, I need to come up with a cover.

"Sorry, I was thinking about her, it's all I can do…" Preparing my pathetic get-out-of-jail-free card distracted me from his face, staring at me. What does he want? I'm trying to concentrate, I have to make it sound legit. I looked up at him again, ready with my usual barrage of lies, when he leant in nearer and…kissed me? No.. not a kiss on the cheek, on my lips. I gasped, struck by his gentle skin against mine, and the terrible hard-on it had just given me.

"D..Dom?" He uttered not another word, instead just caressing my cheek and kissing me again. Again, oh so delirious. I felt my body falling back onto the bed, my eyes closing as a new set of tears start to prick at the sides. Not tears of pain, these tears felt good. Washing away the fear and anxiety, as his hands started to move down my neck, onto my chest and round to my back. It's unreal, it's unsafe, the door must be wide open! Any minute now Chris could walk in and then it'll be all over! My stomach jerked with sickness as I attempted to make my way to the door, to seal our passion away.

"Matt, it's okay. He's up front with Tom" I sat up and kissed him again. Just hearing him tell me it was okay was more than enough, having him all to myself made the worries melt away as our bodies collapsed back on to the bed. I didn't even want to question why he was doing what he was doing, why his hands were all over my back, tugging at my belt, tugging at my lips. Something so soft felt so hard on my face, then across my neck, slowly moving down my body. I clenched my teeth, an unbelievable warmth flushed me as he ripped open my zipper. I broke free, only to be greeted by those soft, tender lips.

The blur of reality swamped me now, my hand reaching for something real to bring me back down to earth,. His head, slowly moving back and forth, each stroke sending me further away. I grabbed his hair, pulling him down, he wasn't to breathe, he wasn't allowed to share one ounce of himself to anyone or anything else. He was all mine, in this moment; his hands clasping around my arse, digging his nails in, as I dug mine into his shoulder and hair. A brief pause, a lifetime of desire, as I came in his mouth. He pulled off me, reaching for my mouth. I wanted his too, to connect once again, to not lose a precious memory of our time together. `Lovers devoted for each other forever`, a perfect summary of that moment.

Or so it would have been had the tour bus decided not to brake so suddenly. We broke free and fell off the bed, hitting my head on the bed-side table. Damm it, I wasn't finished! I was taken away from this endless torment, taken to a celestial utopia, only to be snapped back into darkness by those two dreadful drivers. We really need to get a driver, I thought, as I drifted in and out of consciousness. A driver who wouldn't…hey, those are my shorts, what is he doing…I really hate Chris and Tom, ruining our sex… this quilt is cosy, how did this quilt get here? Wait, where are you going? Dom? Where are… Dom…don't…

Black finally enveloped me, and with that, my road trips and revelations end, but where it ends, another beginning must arise. It can't be over just yet, we've only just gotten started. My future, adventurous and frightening, with many new experiences and shocking truths…who knows where it will go. Knowing my luck, it'll end badly, but it's always going to be unpredictable, because love does crazy things like that.


	2. Chapter 2 : Love Is Our Resistance

Chapter 2– Love is our Resistance.

That does not look like the tour bus ceiling, at least, that's where I remember falling asleep last. Well, I say fall asleep, get knocked unconscious by our incompetent drivers. No, that looks like a ceiling fan; it feels good, cold on my face and slightly hypnotic to watch… I could so easily fall back into sleep…

"Yo, dude get up, we're late" A harsh voice shouted at me, disturbing my euphoric resting. Who the hell wants me, I'm trying to sleep, and late for what? "Hey, don't you sleep on me; otherwise I'll kick you out the damm bed!"

"Okay okay, Jesus you're noisy this… morning?" What time of day was it? How long had I actually been out for, I don't even remember what day it is. I sat up, blurry-eyed, but I got a good idea of my surroundings. The little wooden bedside table was slightly peeling at the sides, definitely not my room then. If anything, I pride myself on having fairly clean and respectable looking furniture, or as Chris calls it, a gay complex. He got a punch for that. An old lamp was sitting on top, stained from god knows what, in fact I doubt even god wants to know. Damm my head hurts, and the dim bulb flickering is certainly not helping.

"Are you about finished staring at that now? Can we get a move on?" The rude voice again, I had a right mind to punch that too, when I looked up and saw who it was. That garish waistcoat, teamed with straight, tight jeans and a tatty pair of old converse, rough but comfortable. Dom gave me a frustrated look, and then threw my coat at me. "The interview is in 10 minutes, you either get up or you miss out." He walked out the room at that point, leaving me even more confused than I was when I woke up.

Dom. My Dom. Why was he being so harsh with me? Was it not a few hours ago when we were face to face, deep in each other, swimming euphorically in love, what happened? I stood up, very ungracefully, as I stumbled on my first step straight into the closet, promptly smacking my head on the door.

"Fuck… fuck fuck fuck!" I knew something had to get punched and the rotten wardrobe got it full on. Was it a dream? No, it wasn't, it wasn't, he's just trying to act professional. Can't let Chris or Tom, or anyone else for that matter know. I get it, he's hiding it, our passion. I smile to myself; Dom wouldn't let me down like that.

Having worked out I was in a hotel room, it then dawned on me what I was late for, to which I sprinted down the hallway. I didn't even take time to look at myself in the mirror. I usually look alright; at least that is what everyone else says. Apparently my bed hair is quite sexy, but who knows. Those Muse fans would love it if I walked on stage in just a bin bag. Actually, that would be dangerous… those fans are crazy. I do miss them though, when you are on stage, and you can see them reaching out. It's a comforting feeling, but would they do that, if I wasn't in a band? Would people like me if I was just plain old Matthew Bellamy, walking down the street to buy some milk? Would Dom even notice me?

"Took you long enough… seriously, oversleeping before an interview, very unlike you." Tom was standing in the reception area, looking ever the professional. The others weren't there though, I really needed to talk to Dom.

I shrug my shoulders, "Well, you know…" But you don't know, just me and Dom know. I did a little skip towards him, to which he only raised an eyebrow.

"Right, well you need to go in that room there, Dom and Chris are already in, so it's just you we're waiting on." He points at the aptly named Interview Room, and just as I about to walk in, he grabs my shoulder, "Don't forget, it's Q Magazine and her name is Kate…" Yeah yeah, I only made that mistake once, give a guy a break.

I open the door to the interview, the smell of coffee floating in the air, along with a slight sense of anger. Well, certainly from Chris, I guess I am several minutes late, but he pisses me off all the time, so frankly I don't care.

"Sorry about that, I'm not usually this bad!" I chuckle with the interviewer, judging which type she'll be. You either get one who is just doing their job and generally has no sense of humour, or you get the ones who don't actually care what you say, as long as you smile and wink at them, they're happy. That's often the female reporters, I must be a hit with them. Still haven't worked out why, and from her first words, I figured this would be a nice and quick meeting.

"No don't worry, probably fixing your hair, you're looking pretty good seeing as you're on the road a lot. Besides, I was here early, so you have nothing to apologise for!" She smiles back, and nestles the cup of coffee beside her. She seems to keep staring at me, do I have something written on my forehead? Chris coughed loudly, breaking the awkward silence. For once, I'm grateful for him doing that, because I swear she was staring at my legs.

"Right then guys, how are you enjoying the Resistance tour so far? It must be weird being back on the road after so long." An easy conversation starter, a question I enjoy answering and quite often get carried away with. I can't help it, far too many ideas rattling around in my head. I lean in to the microphone to start, when I'm kicked sharply in the ankle.

"Oww, the hell?" Dom looks at me and shakes his head, when Chris leans in and starts speaking, leaving me speechless. What was that for? I was only trying to answer the question, isn't that what an interview is for? I'm blocking out now whatever Chris is mumbling on about, and just staring at Dom. This wasn't right, I can forgive him for this morning, but kicking me in an interview? Not only does it hurt, but he had never done that before, it wasn't natural. It wasn't Dom.

"Sounds good, what were you going to say Matt?" The reporter flicks her hair back, and leans in to me, I'm pretty sure it was just so she could hear me better, not so her rather open jacket could display what nature gave her. Usually I'm never lost for words, but this felt different. I had a lump in my throat, a sick feeling in my stomach and the room started to blur. I don't think it was from smacking my head earlier, this was more painful, especially in my chest.

"I'm…sorry, I think.. Going to be sick…" I bolted out my chair and out of the room, clutching my chest. Over to the right, I saw a bathroom sign, which I ran for, stomach churning. I'm pretty sure I heard Tom shout something at me, but I only just made it in the bathroom before I threw up. Luckily, or unluckily, I actually bumped into someone on the way in. Great impression to make, Matt. I pushed past the poor guy and into the nearest cubicle, where I threw up again and began to cry. This is ridiculous, this can't happen again. Last time, he comforted me when I was sad, but this time, I'm mad at him. Why is he being such an asshole? I thought he loved me! I punched the side of the toilet block, repeatedly. The shocking pain spreading up my arm didn't stop me, I felt all the anger, confusion and frustration screaming to get out, and I smacked the walls even harder. I'm pretty sure I was leaving blood behind. The only thing that stopped me, was the two hands that grabbed on to my shoulders and spun me round.

"What the hell are you doing? We've just had to convince the interviewer you'd eaten something dodgy, and we'll finish tomorrow. Why did you run out, and why are you doing this to yourself?" He had a point, if I fuck up my right hand, we're going to have a hell of a time trying to find a replacement for the gigs.

"It doesn't matter, the next gig is in ten days, and it'll be fine… what, Dom?" It finally registered that it was Dom who had stopped me, I hadn't noticed. I was too mad to take in what was going on.

"You really are a fool…" He knelt down in front of me, as I sat down on the toilet. I wasn't quite taking it in, but he pulled a few pieces of paper of the roll and handed them to me. "Here, your face is a mess"

"Why are you doing this? You hate me, why are you looking after me?"

"Who said I hated you?"

"You kicked me! In the middle of the interview!"

"Remember, we were supposed to let Chris talk more often, you told me to kick you if you were going to answer when he should! That was YOUR idea!" Oh yeah, I forgot that.

"Well, what… what about this morning? You were being rude and trying to kick me out of bed!"

"You hate being late to interviews and you're a bugger in the morning to wake up. I spoke to you how I've always spoken to you, in fact, I was the nicest I've ever been, because usually I DO kick you out of the bed" Again, I knew that, I forgot.

"Well… I… err.." I was struggling now to make points. There was no use, he was right, I'm the one jumping to conclusions. I'm the one being an asshole. I start crying again, he has that affect on me, damm you Dom.

"Matt, if it's going to make you this unhappy, maybe nothing should have happened between us." He got up to shut the door, he's so smart, and this wouldn't look good, being caught in this position. "Look at yourself, you're a mess. I care far too much about you to see you like this."

He cares about me? I thought he was just… actually I don't know what he was doing. I'm not entirely sure what he was doing now, putting his arms around me and pulling me close. I could feel his breath on my neck, warm, reassuring. Suddenly I felt something on my crotch, his hand? I didn't look down though, I just focused on the door in front of me. Locked up tight, I'm pretty sure this wasn't completely sound-proof, but at least no one could peek in round the top or bottom.

I heard my zip being pulled open, it was his hand. God, it's his hand on me, that along turned me on as he stroked me gently. Oh shit, that feels incredible. How does he do that? Moments ago, I despised his very face, now, I just want his face. I lift his head up to look at me, those sweet eyes looking straight back at me. Those lips were also looking at me, so I kissed them back, locking my tongue around his. My hand drifted around to the back of his head, tangled in his hair, then they slid down his neck and onto his back. He was pulling even harder now, squeezing tightly, while his other hand crept round to my back, and into my trousers. I closed my eyes, once again I was lost in the moment, his lips bruising my face, but I didn't care. I was in love.

As usual for me, this moment was abruptly interrupted by Chris walking into the bathroom and sighing out loud. We must have both recognised his voice, as Dom pulled away from me and stared at the door. I also looked intensely at the door, holding my breath.

"Matt is so fucking useless, I don't know why we even bother with him! If only the fans knew how incompetent he is, they wouldn't moon after him so much." He started washing his hands in the sink, I couldn't judge on whether he knew we were in here, the thought was burning in my mind. Without warning though, Dom stopped watching the door, and turned his attention to me, well, my dick at least. It caught me off guarded when he sucked it a few times, even using his teeth slightly. That felt intense, and I gasped in delight. Dom stood up and kissed me on the forehead. He smiled at me, and caressed my cheek. Where was he going?

"Don't say that around him, Chris" He left the cubicle and closed the door behind him, so Chris couldn't see me. Luckily, Chris was facing the other way, and didn't notice.

"Oh Dom, didn't know you were here?"

"I thought he would be in here, but I was wrong, maybe he went back to his room, we should go search there next." It sounded like he was washing his hands, hope I didn't make a mess, even Chris would notice that.

"Hmm, maybe. Can't we just leave him behind?" They were standing by the dryers now, as I couldn't catch what they said. I pulled my zip back up, and peeked around the corner of the door. Some pillar was in the way and I couldn't quite see them or hear them. Finally, when the dryers stopped, the talking had stopped. Damm, what were they saying? Were they talking about me? I stepped out the cubicle and looked around. They must have left. I looked up at the clock on the wall. Three o'clock? My stomach rumbled at the sight, I don't even remember the last thing I ate. Throwing up certainly didn't help, so I slowly crept out of the bathroom, and looked out for Dom or Chris. It wouldn't be good to bump into either.

"Hello there!" Certainly not a voice I thought I would hear, the reporter was wandering in the corridor and had spotted me coming out.

"Err, hi, have you seen…?" I suddenly caught her eye, she was staring at my trousers again, I'm sure I pulled up the zip. Well I had, but I'd caught my boxers and they were poking out. Nice one Matt, real smooth. I turned around to fix my embarrassment, when she stood next to me and put her hand on my arm. It felt soft, unlike when Dom touches me, it felt…nice?

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone… are you okay?" She looked at me, she was surprisingly shorter than me, an unusual feature in most people I meet. Despite her obvious flirting, there was a kindness in her voice and her eyes. I missed that, it reminded me of my ex. Damm, I was thinking about her again. I closed my eyes, bringing back those old memories was making my eyes cry. Suddenly, I felt her lips touch mine. Shocked, I jerked backwards, and fell onto the coffee table in the reception. Clumsy idiot, I bet you are even blushing.

"Ahh, err, I don't think that's…" I was stumbling for words again, I hadn't been kissed by a woman in months, was it so unnatural? Or was it that, I still… liked it? I looked back at the reporter, who was amused by me tripping up. She offered a hand to me to pull me off the table, the kind look still in her eyes.

"Don't worry about it, here you go, here's my card, give me a call, kay?" She smiled again, and kissed me on the cheek, before walking away. What was that all about? Hope nobody saw that, especially… Dom!

"There you are, we've been looking all over for you!" Dom and Chris were just walking down the stairs, they probably didn't notice the reporter, thank god for that. I smile to myself, relieved.

"Well you know me, I…" My stomach rumbled again, man I was hungry! Dom stepped forward and gently nudged me.

"I heard that! C'mon guys, let's get something to eat, I'm starving. What do you fancy Chris?"

"Well I spotted a KFC not too far down the street on the way here, I could murder a bucket right now, how about you?" He looked at me, smiling. Unusual, but it felt good that he wasn't still holding a grudge so I smiled back.

"Definitely, as long as I get to pick the sides!"

"Hey, I like coleslaw!" He wrapped his arm around me as we walked out the hotel. I laughed out loud, the dread washing out of me. This felt good; we hadn't actually spent time like this together for so long.

Another whirlwind day, but I guess I couldn't imagine it any differently. My hopes, reflections and expectations all changed today, but in the end, I can't resist his love.


	3. Chapter 3: My Undisclosed Desires

Chapter 3 – My Undisclosed Desires

"That was some good chicken!" Chris sat back in his seat, stretching out. I too sat back and stared at the ceiling, it certainly felt much better to have a full stomach. It felt even better to be hanging out like this, just the three of us, like the good old days. Does a small part of me wish there wasn't any tension between me and Dom? Was there any tension? I looked at him; he was sitting across me, cleaning his hands with the complimentary wipe. For something so mundane, it was incredibly arousing to watch. I continued to stare and he caught my eye, smiling back and tilting his head.

"You've got something stuck to your cheek" Mortifying, Matt, truly mortifying. I grabbed a napkin and rubbed aggressively to get it off. He even smiled as he said it, I must be blushing terribly now. This was really comforting, being able to relax with my friends. The one I…love? I think it is love, I can't call it a crush anymore, we've gotten too close for it to just be a crush. This feels serious, even now, as his foot gently strokes my leg. Very risqué, but that makes it even more thrilling. Chris is sitting right next to me and has no idea. I giggle to myself, prompting a strange glare from Chris. Dom giggles as well, confusing Chris even further.

"What on earth are you two sniggering about?"

"Should we tell him?" Dom tilts his head to the side and crosses his arms. "Do you think he'll understand?"

"Nah, it's a good secret, he doesn't need to know" I smirk back, relishing in this undisclosed desire of mine. It feels wonderful, it feels perfect.

"Yeah, whatever, I don't care, you two are weird anyway. Hey, isn't that your phone going off Dom?" Chris leant forward and picked up the vibrating mobile on the table. It was on silent, probably because the interview, so I hadn't noticed it going off.

"You're right, didn't see… oh, err, I better take this…" His voice trailed off as he stepped away from us, and then out of the restaurant. Very unusual for him to make his calls in private, he likes it when we join in occasionally, talking in the background. Then again, it's usually his mum, and she thinks very highly of us all. Bless, Dom is her only child after all, she mothers him a lot, always asking him when is he going to settle down and find a nice girl. I smirk secretly inside, sorry Mrs Howard, he's mine.

"Oh dear, looks like another argument again, she's never going to give up" Chris shakes his head and starts to tidy up the table. "We could be here a while if she's angry at him"

"What, his mum? She's never mad at him."

"No you plonker, his girlfriend, hasn't called her in a few days, I think he's avoiding her." Oh. That's right. I think I chose to forget she was in the picture. Erika, Dom's actual girlfriend, although I can't say I care for her. Naturally, whenever she is around, I leave the room. Hearing the two talk to each other makes me sick. Did Dom feel the same whenever I was around my ex? That never occurred to me, how selfish.

We cleared the table, and made our way out of the restaurant. Dom was outside, pacing back and forth, still on the phone. Chris was right, it was a very heated argument, certainly not one to get involved in. I wasn't sure if we should wait at the entrance or start heading back to the hotel, and I was just about to look to Chris for an answer, when he stood closer to me.

"I think he's been cheating on her" His whisper sent a chill down my spine. He couldn't know it was with me, but why would he think that Dom was fooling around in general? There's no smoke without fire, I needed to know where Chris was getting his ideas from.

"Why would you think that?" Please don't ask me my thoughts on it, I don't trust my big mouth and I'm bound to say something.

"Well, he always seems so distracted. He's ignored her calls a few times, and I'm pretty sure someone else is involved…"Chris trailed off as Dom hung up the phone and sighed. He looked tired and he gave us a weak smile in return.

"Don't worry about me, come on, let's go back to the hotel." We didn't say anything else afterwards, walking back in silence. It's funny how one phone call can change the mood so fast. I remember when I had my first argument with my ex over the phone, I felt like straggling something. Women always need to know what you are up to, calling every two seconds if you aren't there. I'm pretty sure men aren't like that, well, I guess I'm pretty paranoid about Dom. That's only because I care about it, I'm just looking after him. I felt sorry for Dom, at least I didn't have any other attachments anymore. I wonder if Erika knows the truth?

We walked back at the hotel, taking roughly 2o minutes. Apparently when you are depressed, you seem to walk into things more often and stumbled. I tend to trip over things often, but that's because I'm clumsy. I can't count the amount of times I've fallen over on stage… I can't help it, Dom distracts me from behind that drum kit. Dom looked pretty distracted in the way back as well, I really do wonder what it was she said to him, he kept checking his watch. What was he waiting for?

When we got back, without saying a word, Dom walked off down the corridor to his room. Clearly the phone call was still hanging over his head. I wasn't really listening to the argument, so who knows what was said. I stood there, pondering and staring off into the distance. Maybe I should go and comfort him, he always helped me out, it's only fair to return the favour. Besides, we didn't get to finish off last time…

"Are you going to stare like that forever?" Oh, Chris, I'm trying to think, go away.

"I think I'm going to see Dom, maybe cheer him up."

" Nah, leave the miserable bastard." Chris shrugged his shoulders and headed off to his own room. How the hell is he still married, and have kids? Another one of life's mysteries. I wonder if I'll ever get married, it could never be with Dom. The band would be weird, and what if we broke up? That's a thought, what if we fall out now? Will we still be able to tour as a band? I would hate to lose Muse after everything we've done. The band is my life, and my life is the music we write, compose and perform. Life without the music, I can't even begin to think about that. Makes me sick to my stomach. I looked over towards to the corridor, I really should go and see Dom, I miss him…

"Oh, it's you, where is Dom?" That, is a cold and horrible voice. I wasn't even going to turn to look at the source, I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself.

"Second floor, room 207." I crossed my arms and looked the other way, as she began heading off to his room. What the hell was she doing here, does she think she can win him over with her womanly ways? Hah, womanly ways, sorry love, but it's not you he wants. Smiling to myself, I started to laugh out loud. That felt good, and Dom doesn't need to know I hate the stupid bitch. Should probably go and have a shower, that'll take my mind off problems. Besides, nothing is going to happen and jealously is very ugly, Matt, you need to trust him. You love him.

As I started to get changed ready for the shower, I looked at my chest. A…hickey? When was that? I certainly don't remember him giving me one of those… very intriguing and very sexual. Maybe one day I'll give him one back, but somewhere else. The very thought of Dom's naked body was alluring, this was going to be a good shower, I thought to myself. Just as I was about to turn the tap, a familiar ringtone began to play. It's very immodest of me, but I recently change my ringtone to be a Muse song, Uprising to be precise. It makes for a good message tone; Chris makes it to be arrogant, but the moment he thought Little Britain characters make for the perfect calling tone, he lost all respect in this area of expertise.

'wow, 10mins argue, nw its sex time. noisy sods, gues ill av 2 sleep l8r :('. Wow Chris, perhaps you should learn how to spell… wait, sex time? He doesn't really mean that, does he? I have to ask, he better be lying, otherwise…

"Yo dude, guessing you got my text, typical right?"

"Are you serious, how do you know? Did you see them, did he tell you?"

"Whoa, calm down there. You sound like his mum." I guess I was panicking slightly, but this was of utmost importance right now.

"Whatever, how do you know?"

"I told you, I've got the room next to him, and it's rather noisy there. Ha, lucky bastard, hey, maybe I should see if I can get a hold of the missus…" I stopped paying attention after that and I hung up on him. There was no need to listen. My mind had shut down, I even dropped my phone. I didn't care if it was broken. He was… sleeping with her? That… that bastard! The fucking bastard!

"Arrrghh! Fuck it! Fuck him; fuck his fucking face, I never want… to see … him again." I burst into tears and collapsed to the floor. No, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. This isn't fair; he was supposed to be mine. He lied to me, he said he cared about me. I thought… he loved me. I scrunched the towel beside me and buried my face in it, tears streaming and my whole body was shaking. This… wasn't fair.

I don't know how long I laid on the floor for, when I heard my phone ring again. Perhaps it wasn't broken after all. I reached for my phone and looked at the caller's name. Dom? What the hell was he calling me for? To boast about his fucking sexual antics? Well I didn't give a shit! I threw the phone at the wall, this time it did break. How dare he call me and pretend it was alright? I stood up , grabbed the dressing gown off the hook and went back into my room. It's funny, I didn't hear them… having sex from my room, I'm only opposite Chris's, surely if they were that bad… God, I can't even think about it, imagining them, it's disgusting.

"What do I do now…" I lay down on my bed and stare at the side table. It really was rotten, whose idea was it to stay in this hotel. Probably Tom, he's the cheap one. Actually, I remember who, it was Dom, and he even commented that the hotel itself was on a underground route to his girlfriend's place. That's one thing that impresses me about London, somewhere so big, yet so connected. Connected to that stupid bitch. I distinctly remember disliking the idea of coming here, but it was convenient for interviews and award shows. The only time we are off the road, we're either in some studio room or an event. No personal time. That's why I fell for him, we were always so close, and now he doesn't understand what he's doing to me? Does he not have a fucking clue how much he's killing me here?! I punch the side table, and the pathetic lamp fell off down the back. Useless thing anyway, hang on… what's this? I picked up the small card that fell off the table as well. A business card, that reporter woman, what was her name… Karen, err no…Kate, that's it. Hmm, it's got her phone number on, followed by a little 'x', cute.

I hold the card close to my chest. She really was a nice person, despite not actually talking to her that much, she gave off a pleasant vibe, a trusting vibe. Unlike… someone… I wasn't actually sure what took over me, but I grabbed the phone from the side table and started to dial her number. What was I thinking? What was this even going to achieve? I don't know, but while I've lost my sanity, anything can happen.

"Hello, Kate Coombes here, how can I help?" Coombes? I don't remember her saying her last name, it sounds like her though.

"Err, hi, it's Matt. Umm, Matt Bellamy?"

"I thought I recognised your voice, how are you?" She sounded very happy to hear me, how odd.

"I'm..err, not bad, umm yourself?"

"Pretty good, just had dinner in the restaurant here, pricey but worth it, you should totally try it. Just reading now, what you up to?"

"Ah, umm, not much, you?"

"I just answered that, are you okay? You sound dreadful, is everything alright?" Damm, she noticed, she thinks I sound like shit, I feel like shit, oh god now I'm crying again. "Matt, what's wrong?"

"I… I… don't know… I don't…" For crying out loud Matt, pull it together!

"That's it, I'm coming to see you, where are you? Which room?"

"Second, room 204…" My voice was trailing off, I couldn't catch my breath through all the crying. This was really pathetic, sobbing over the phone to a complete stranger. You miserable being, no wonder he cheated on you.

"Right, I'm on my way, stay put and don't do anything stupid." She hung up the call, was that really what I wanted? Did I want her here? What did I want, I want to crawl into a ball and die, but we don't always get what we want. Wait, if she's coming here, I should put some more clothes on. I slid off the bed and stood up, staring at the closet. My current punching bag, I smacked it a few times, before sitting back down on the bed. I couldn't even be bothered to get changed.. What was the point…

In a few minutes time, I heard a knock at the door. A small part of me didn't want to open the door, but that rational part of me had stopped being able to make orders, and the rest of me was too depressed to even care.

"Hey "

"Hi, umm, can I come in?"

"Yeah…sure." What are you doing Matt, please don't let her in…

"Thanks" I close the door behind her, staring at the floor "What's wrong Matt, you were crying on the phone"

I walk over to where she was standing, even looking at her was making me feel like crying again. The small part of me was screaming at me, it knew what I was going to do, it knew it was stupid.

"Kate…" I leaned in and kissed her, not just on the cheek, full on the lips. I think my rational thinking gave up on me at this point. I wrapped my arms around and continued kissing. It's funny, she didn't object or anything. Maybe she figured I would do something like this anyway, I must give off a bad impression. She placed her hands on my back and she dug her nails in. That reminded me of Dom, he liked to dig his nails in. I always liked that…

Next thing I knew, we were laying on the bed together, still making out. I felt her hands slide down into my trousers, again, very Dom. For fuck's sake, stop thinking about him. He screwed you over, you should never have wasted your time. I started to take off her blouse, it was surprisingly easy. Either I could still remember the method, or the top was half undone anyway. Probably both. It didn't matter, I was undressing her and I have no idea why. She took her hands from my back, and proceeded to remove her bra. Was this generally what I doing? Having sex with this woman to get revenge on Dom? That wasn't right, I know. In fact, it was almost as disgusting as what he did. Two wrongs don't make a right, Matt, then why are your hands around her waist? I disgust myself.

I'm not sure what it was that changed my mind, watching her skirt being pulled down or something else, but I couldn't do it anymore. As angry as I was, this wasn't the way to do it.

"Wait, wait… we can't do this…" She looked at me, really confused. I probably looked the same.

"What, wait, you don't have a condom? Don't worry, I bro…"

"No, we can't. This isn't fair. I can't do this, you have to go."

"Excuse me? Weren't you the one who called me over?"

"Err…"

"And weren't you the one who kissed me in the first place?" Once again, I was lost for words. I've never been good at arguments, as soon as the other person goes on attack, I forget what to say, and I crumple. I don't even know this woman, but I sure as hell know this is not the way to solve my problems. Have to stand up for what I believe in, if you can't do it now, you've got no chance ever.

"It's not right, I don't know you, and I don't even know why I called you here in the first place. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm doing half the things I am doing. But right now, I do know that you shouldn't be here. You need to go." That's it Matt, stand your ground.

"What the hell? I'm practically giving myself to you, and you're saying no? I'm the one who is comforting you through whatever it is that is wrong, that's more than your stupid band mates are doing…"

"Stupid? You're the stupid one, if you think you can talk about my friends like that and get away with it! You know what?" I grabbed her blouse and threw it back at her. "Get out of my room, please."

"You know what, I'll happily leave, I don't need to waste my time with you anyway, you fucking frigid git" Well, she was wrong there, but let her believe what she likes. She picked up her shoes and marched towards the door, she sort of stomped actually. Never thought I'd see a grown person throw a tantrum…

"Oh excuse me! Sorry to bother you" She barged past the person in the doorway, leaving them staring into the room and at me. I was still in just the dressing gown I was in from before my shower, so to anyone who saw, it was fairly obvious that something had happened. Out of everyone it could have been at the door, I already knew who it was. Come on Matt, you stood your ground earlier, you can do it to him

"Can I help you?" First off, act like nothing had gone on; let him make the first move.

"What was that all about? Why was that reporter in your room?" He was staring straight at me, it was really off putting, but I tried to keep my composure.

"I invited her round, why, is that a problem? Can I not do things like that, I didn't realise you were my mother."

"No, but I am your fucking boyfriend, now what the hell was she doing here?" Wow, I did not expect that, and as loudly as he said it. That really knocked me… and scared me.

"Err… well, you had your girlfriend round, it's only… fair…"

"So? We didn't do anything, we just talked. What the hell made you think we were having sex?" At that very moment, I truly hated Chris. Physically and mentally, I hated him. If I ever saw him after this, I would personally kill him with my two hands.

"…Chris said…"

"Do you believe everything that idiot tells you?" I feel sick.

"He said he could hear you!"

"What, you mean the couple in room 203? They were noisy the other night as well." I feel very sick. I can't see very well.

"No, that's…not right…"

"No, that is right, the only thing wrong here is your fucking messed up head. You're so goddamm paranoid you can't even think straight for one second. You jump to conclusions before you even have the slightest idea about the truth. Why didn't you answer your phone earlier?"

What? My phone? "Err, I don't…know." Yes you do, but I'm terrified about what he's going to say. He looks so angry, I feel so small.

"Well, if you hadn't been so fucking stupid and actually answered the call, you would know that she broke up me." I knew it. "I was calling you so I could come over, I needed to see you. I wanted to tell it to your face and finally tell you… I love you." It was over. Everything, over. "But now, I don't know what I ever saw in you… Matt, I hate you."

Dom walked out the room and slammed the door. That was it. I closed my eyes, and deep down, I felt like I had died. I fell to my knees, barely breathing, clutching my dressing gown. It was so wonderful, it was so perfect… and I ruined it. Hate, he truly hated me. And you know what?

I hated myself even more.


	4. Chapter 4: The Peace and Joy of Showbiz

Chapter 4 – The Peace and Joy of Showbiz

The next two days were a bit of a blur, I generally don't remember what happened in that space of time. I hadn't seen Dom at all either, he wasn't in the hotel at all; Chris put it down to him breaking up with Erika, and he needed some time to recover. Not far from the truth, but funnily enough, he didn't bring up our argument. Did he know we had one, surely he heard it. No one could have missed it. Maybe he was being polite, I don't know, but if he did hear it, then he definitely heard what Dom said.

"…I love you, but now, I don't know what I ever saw in you… Matt, I hate you."

Thinking about it, it's always three little words. They are always the most powerful words you can use. They can make you, enrich you and lift you to the highest of heavens, yet they can also break you, curse you and deep down, kill you. It may seem a strong and over-dramatic way to think about the situation, but right now that was how my heart and my soul felt. Dead.

Actually, I do remember one thing I have done these last few days. I chased down Kate, I had to. I wasn't going to tell her the truth, but she did deserve an explanation. After all, I did lead her on, kiss her and undress her. I'm not an uncaring kind of guy, or 'frigid dick' as she so eloquently put it. I'm fairly sure I embarrassed her.

I eventually got hold of her, despite her avoiding my calls. I told her, I'd recently broken up with my ex a few days. Major lie, I know, but seeing as most people still assume I'm with her, and only a select few know the truth, she wasn't going to find out anytime soon. Due to me being upset from my break-up, I said I'd been acting a bit erratically, hence the 'true' reason why I left the interview, and why I called her up sounding so distraught. To quote myself, "I was too caught up in my emotions, and you were the first person I thought of, I wasn't thinking straight". I told her I never meant it to end like this, I certainly never meant to get so angry with her, as it wasn't her fault and I'm deeply ashamed I shouted and humiliated her.

She bought my story thankfully, however the majority of it was true. I generally didn't mean to be that horrible to her; it's not in my nature. I asked her for her forgiveness and hoped that we could stay friends, as long as nothing like that ever happened again because she 'reminds me too much of my ex'.

We hugged at the end of the talk and she kissed me on the cheek. "I understand, I do forgive you, and I'm sorry for shouting too, that felt really awful… I would like us to be friends and I promise not to mention this to anyone."

That was the most important thing. For starters, I personally have a great appreciation for the love and support the fans give us, and a story like this would not do the band's reputation any good. Besides, I've never had any sort of scandal or gossip spread about myself or the others and I'd like to maintain that. It's not all about the personal life.

Currently, I haven't spoken to Dom since that night, nor have I seen him. I am worried; tonight is the NME awards show and we're one man down. We're even nominated this time, I'm honoured: Best live band and Best British act. I'm quite a fan of award shows, especially the NME show, despite the fact they weren't too favourable in their last review towards us. That doesn't bother me though; it's still a good night out. According to the website, we're also nominated for two of the fan awards, as I call them. They usually boil down to mass vote rigging, but, deep down, it's always nice to win them. I'm up for sexiest male …again, and our other one is best dressed band. Who nominates us for these categories? Best dressed band? Maybe during Black Holes and Revelations, we were actually putting some effort in that time. The whole monochrome get-up was Dom's idea and it paid off, but for the Resistance… well we let ourselves get a bit crazy. I like it I don't see what the problem is with it; it's flamboyant and outrageous… I thought that summed Muse up to be honest. Never mind, we won't win it this year. I've taken great pleasure in choosing some strange outfits… I blame Dom; he also likes it when we dress up and, well, any opportunity to impress… I really need to make it up to him, it wouldn't work having him mad at me forever, and where would that leave the band? That thought alone terrifies me, even if I never have him to myself again, never kiss him or touch him… I would rather lose all that… then lose Muse.

*** Later that evening***

"Matt, what are you wearing tonight?" Oh Chris, without your wife… how do you cope, I've had this conversation so many time before, he really needs to start making his own decisions in life. Well, I have slightly forgiven Chris for what he did, it probably did sound like it was coming from Dom's room, and I can roughly see how he came to that conclusion. I'm still not totally happy, but I've decided I need to grow up and be more mature. Let bygones be bygones, and be more independent, I have to be, to win Dom back.

"Something sexy that hugs my figure with a nice red satin shine, you?"

"Oh shut up, you weirdo…" I know I need to be more mature with Dom, but with Chris, I love winding him up "Have you got a spare belt I can borrow, I can't find mine at the moment…"

"Yeah sure, dresses don't need belts" I walk away from the mirror and open up the door. He was adjusting his shirt collar and cuffs, not bad Chris, going for a smart look. Myself, I was wearing my favourite black jeans, my "sexy satin shine" red shirt, a half finished tie and black braces. They were actually Dom's, I was wearing them for good luck, I was going to need it.

"Wow, so no fluffy coat today?"

I laughed out loud "Nah, today I think I will attempt to look good"

"Why, it's never stopped you before."

"I just, you know… want to feel good…" I shrugged my shoulders and handed over the belt, we he started to put on. It's weird, I've never felt any attraction towards Chris. He's not a bad looking fellow, something I'm sure his wife would agree with. Even as we were teenagers, he always felt like an older brother to me, even though he's the youngest of us all. He was always cool, calm and collected, the complete opposite of me. It's probably why he pisses me off so many times, but if I really sat down and though about it, I probably annoy him equally as much, he's just more reserved about it. I do appreciate him, I don't know where I would be without him.

"Finished daydreaming yet?" He pats me on the shoulder, waking me from my ponderings "we should be getting a move on, we don't want to be late again now Matt…"

"Oh har har, what about Dom, is he here yet?"

"Yeah course he's here, he said he'd meet us downstairs in the taxi." Ah, of course, it's not Chris he's mad at… it's me he's avoiding…

"Cool, let's go." Tonight will be scary, but if all goes well, it may very well change my life.

A black taxi was waiting in the courtyard for us, Dom was inside already. This was going to be a long trip, I imagine he's not even going to look or acknowledge me. I don't blame him, but I... it hurts nonetheless.

"You lads excited then, you always do pretty well at these things, right?" The driver turned around and looked at us with a big grin on his face. The poor driver, all he got in return for his friendly gesture is was Dom sulking, Chris looking confused, and me. "Umm, cool, let's err… go." Awkward.

I rubbed my hands up and down my trousers, I was feeling really nervous and my palms felt sweaty. Extremely unusual, it's either the whole atmosphere in the taxi or me thinking of what might happen at this awards show, but I've got butterflies in my stomach. I glance up at the plastic screen between us and the driver, there was a long mirror running along the top and I could see Dom in the reflection. He caught my eye and we both turned away. I felt my face flush red, was he looking at me too?

It is so cliché to think, but it felt I spent a lifetime in the taxi and the painful silence only exacerbated the situation. We pulled up outside the building, alongside a large team of photographers and other groups of people walking in. Now I feel sick, I can see interviewers hanging around, waiting to find people to pounce on. I usually can't get enough of them, but now I just want to rush past and be out of sight.

"Right, here you go, see you tonight" The driver unlocked the doors, and without saying a word, Dom opened the door and stepped out. Oh fuck, please just let us avoid the photographers. Chris followed behind, but I couldn't move. I was numb in fear and I could feel a cold sweat all over my body. Dom glanced back at the cab and looked me right in the eyes, could he sense my apprehension to leave the car?

"Hey, come on now, they're waiting." His voice sounded distant, bitter. I didn't say anything; I just turned and opened the door on my side. I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him how I felt; I need to save that for later. I had a plan and as stupid and incredibly damaging as it could be, I was going to do it.

Walking through the crowds, narrowly avoiding the interviewers, we did end up in the photo section. "Hey Matt, this way!" I looked over and a bunch of flashing lights went off. I figured we wouldn't avoid this, so I attempted to not look so anxious. After a few shots, I noticed Dom talking to an interviewer. What were they talking about? Wait a minute… I recognise that interviewer… Kate? Kate? What the hell? I stopped caring about the photographers and couldn't take my eyes of them. I suppose she would be here… but I thought she worked for Q … why is she holding an NME microphone… I hate you Tom, he knew I would forget, lying sod.

Dom walked away and headed into the building, I went to catch Kate but Chris grabbed my arm and dragged me as well.

"Come on Matt, let's go."

"But… wait I need to…"

"Yeah, we need to get a drink, I don't want to have to queue again!" He's right, I actually could do with a drink, and the show was starting soon. Right Matt, we've got two chances. Two, Best British Band and Best Live Act. Fingers crossed that this works, I'm putting my entire relationship with Dom on this. We got to our seats, welcomed by many glasses of champagne. Dom had already drunk one, and was nursing another. Very unusual, he looked very distant. He wasn't even noticing Chris, or anyone else on the table for that matter. Just what did Kate say to him?

After a short while, it was the award for Best British Band. We were up against Arctic Monkeys, Biffy Clyro, Kasabian and Oasis. No offence to any of them, but we had to win this. At the end of the day though, it is down to the fans voting. Come on guys, you may not realise this, but I need you right now. I watched as the presenter read out the names and then picked up the envelope. This was intense; I was most likely staring a hole through them. If we were on one of the big screens, I must have looked pretty mad. Oh well, who cares, I am mad right now. The presented opened the envelope and read out the name, and just like that, my heart sunk and I let out a giant, depressing sigh.

Damn it, the Monkeys won. Shit, now what… I suppose they did deserve it, but I need to go on that stage. I need to do this. I watched them go up to accept their award; there was no point in listening to their speech. It will only distract me from my own planned speech. I hope it won't be too long, I'm not comfortable with speaking in front of this many people, and I barely say anything on stage and if we ever win an award, it's a quick mumble and then we're off. It's going to be a challenge, but it will be all worth it. The Arctic Monkeys left the stage and the presenter carried on with the show. After 3 awards, it'll be my second and most importantly, final chance.

The live act nominations were being read out, I wasn't concentrating on who he was mentioning. I was just focussing on what I was going to say, I was even already assuming that we were going to win. We had to win. Before, it was just nice to turn up to the event, meet everyone and if we went home at the end with an award, it was a good night. This time however, we had to win something. It was bad enough that the Arctic Monkeys had won the Best British Band award. We only had one left and this was the last chance we were going to have. What if they won again? What if other fans out there decided our shows were terrible this year? My stomach started to churn… no Matt, now is not the time to be negative. Think positively, you need this, you both need this. For me and Dom, and our love.

"And the winner of the Best Live Act award goes to…" Jeez, it's not hard to open an envelope, just tell us already, I hate this tension! "... It goes to... Muse!" Damn, I knew we wouldn't win… wait, what? We won? Holy shit, this is real, we've got to go up there. I stood up and adjusted my shirt, this is it! The others got up and we began walking to the stage. Don't look at the others, Matt, just keep your eyes on the stage… and don't fall over. Don't embarrass yourself man, that's later. I walked up the stairs and over to the podium. Chris made it to the microphone first, Dom was behind me, and I imagine he was in no rush to get to the mic. I needed Chris to open the set for me, calm me down and give me a chance to collect my thoughts.

"Hey, thank you so much! This award is always a pleasure to win, thank you to everyone who voted for us, this award is really for the fans, they are the ones who make the show what it is." Good starter Chris, hopefully this will not be as painful as I've imagine it to be. Alright Matt, here we go.

"Well, like he said, this award is personal, straight from the fans, the ones who come to our shows and really appreciate the effort we all put in. It means a lot, so thank you guys for supporting us." I took a deep breath. "Err… also; I'd like to thank these guys behind me for always… always being there. I know I'm not easy to work and I'm pretty sure many will agree, I can be a complete arse on a regular basis. So, umm, well, I'm sorry. Also, I've also really hurt some people these last few days, I've let them down, broke their trust and really disappointed them. I know, they'll hate me even more for this, but I want… no I need them to know, I'll always… love them. That's what I have to say, so err… thank you." I held up the award, nodded and walked off the stage. I'm sure that over the clapping, you can hear my heart thumping in my chest. Fuck… oh fuck, I can't believe I did that… shit. Oh well, it's done now. No looking back. I didn't even look at his face, I couldn't. I can't cry on stage, I'll just cry inside.

Walking down the corridor back to our seats, I heard a door slam behind me. I turned back and noticed that Dom had disappeared.

"Huh, where's he gone off to? The toilets are further down the corridor…" Chris pondered to himself, before continuing back to the audience section. That was a good question; I stopped following Chris and headed back to where Dom had disappeared to. I opened the door and looked around; it was a small room with a strange aroma. Cleaning materials, I recognise that smell. The light wasn't on, so I felt around for a switch on the wall. Once on, I could finally see everything, including…him. He was huddled in the corner, crying. I'd never heard Dom cry before and was even making my eyes well up. I closed the door behind me and pulled the latch across. He didn't twitch; I think he knew it was me. He rubbed his eyes with his sleeve and sniffed.

"What … are you doing here? You're supposed… to be… back at your seat…" This time, it was my turn to comfort, to pay him back for everything he's done for me, to show him how much I love him. I walked over to him, knelt behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I just held him tightly, pulling him close to me, resting my head next to his. His cheek was wet, so I rubbed mine against it. He started crying again and tried to pull my arms away. "Please don't…I can't… not after what I …said… please go away…" I held him even tighter and whispered in his ear.

"I can't let you go, not now. We… we are too close now and I love you. I want you forever; I never ever want to go through what we did again. Like you told me, I care far too much about you to lose you. You… are everything to me, and the world can try to keep us apart, but… I'll never let you go. I love you. I love you." I start crying at the sound of those words, those three little words. They can hurt, but right now, I just wanted to keep saying them over and over again to him. I have to be there for him, forever.

He turned around and looked at me, eyes red from crying. I must have looked exactly the same when he first comforted me, nearly a week ago? Gosh, I can't believe, it's only been a week. We've been through so much. I rest my hands on his shoulders, lean in and kissed him. It had only been 3 days since we've been this close, but it felt like forever, not being able to touch him, feel his soft skin, his soft lips. He kisses me back, even harder than ever before, and I feel myself slipping back into that drunken state of happiness and joy. I move my hands from his shoulders and start to unbutton his top. We've only gotten half way before, but right now, in this moment, I had to have all of him. I felt his hands also undressing, but I was too caught up in what I was doing. We stopped kissing for a moment, and I looked at his naked torso. He's definitely been working out recently; I placed my hand on his chest, warm and comforting. After removing my shirt, he kissed my chest. It felt like he was bruising me slightly, but I enjoy it when he does that to me. I wanted it more and I needed it now. I wanted to take control for once.

I pushed him away from me and he laid flat on the floor. At this moment, he looked so innocent and sweet; it was my turn to dominate. I crawled on top of him, and began to pull at his zipper. It was always Dom who initiated it, it felt great now to have the upper hand. I pulled his trousers down along with his boxers, and then I started to stroke him. It was weird actually, I had never done this to a guy before, I suppose you could say it's similar to doing it to yourself, but as I look at him while I rub up and down, it's a whole other experience. It was exhilarating, I loved it. Before he came, I let go and moved my hands up his chest, digging in my fingers. I grabbed his head and pulled it towards mine. We locked lips and I pulled even harder. His hands were on my back, moving to my trousers, and then round to my braces and belt. He removed them both, along with everything else. Now we were both completely naked.

This was the time, I was ready, and judging by the look in his eyes, so was Dom. I decided I was going to let him do it first, it was very nerve-racking. I'd never even thought I would ever be having sex with a guy before, I used to watch it in porn, but never pictured myself doing it, and I wasn't quite sure how it would go. Dom held me from behind, he knew what to do… yes, he did know, this was… I don't even there are words to describe this. I closed my eyes, drifting into a sub-conscious. I didn't even care right now if anyone ever found out about us. Being with Dom opened my life up, this last week, it's been hard but I've learnt so much about myself. I'm a complete twat, that much I already knew, but knowing I would go as far as I did for the one I love… I have a new found appreciation for myself. Dom started moaning, as he pushed further and deeper into me and I felt my body begin to shake, sweat pouring across my face and my body. I knew he was going to come; I reached around and grabbed his hands. Strong hands, I never wanted to let go of. He held my hands tightly as he came in me. My face flushed red and I let out a loud moan, my body growing stiff and then relaxing, feeling perfect. He pulled out of me, and laid next to me, kissing my neck and then my face.

"I love you."

"I love you." I really did, I smiled at him and kissed him on the nose. Dominic Howard, the man I loved, right here with me in this cleaner's closet and completely enamoured with me, as I was with him. I closed my eyes and hugged him. Even in the crazy world of showbiz, you can finally find your happiness. He was my world, he was my peace and joy, and we would be forever together. I could him my phone vibrating, I imagine it was Chris. That didn't matter though, I wasn't going anywhere. Why would I when I'm already in paradise now?


	5. Chapter 5: No Longer Ruled By Secrecy

Chapter 5: No Longer Ruled by Secrecy.

Today was the beginning of our lives now, just us two with the whole world oblivious to our love. Alone in that closet together, it didn't matter how much time we had spent in there, each moment was precious. Each moment was… just… *clink* dark?

"What the hell happened to the light?" I sat up; the entire room had been enveloped in black, I couldn't even see my own hands, let alone my clothes and Dom. He sat up beside me, and I felt his hand touch my leg. It was comforting to have him nearby, but I was worried, how were we going to get out?

"Shit… now what do we do?" I could hear Dom feeling around for something amongst the pile of clothes. "Damn it, I can't find my phone, we can't even use that for light…" He sounded disappointed, so I reached out to give him a hug. Well, it would have been a hug, had I not punched him in the face. Complete idiot, Matt, obviously judging distances in the dark is not my forte.

"Oww, what was that for?"

"Sorry, I was trying to hug you, I can't see you, it's sad…" I felt his hand again on my thigh, slowly moving up my body and to my face. I held it close, his warmth relaxing me.

"Don't worry, I'm right here… let's just, try and get dressed, en we can work out how to get out of here, yeah?" Ever the voice of logic and sense, I nodded along with his suggestion and started to feel around for our clothes. It was strangely erotic, knowing he was completely naked and being unable to see it was even more arousing. Every now and then, I pictured the scene; distracting me from my search… it was very sexy. I wonder if Dom was thinking the same.

After a short time, I stumbled upon a shirt, at least that was what I imagined it to be. I couldn't tell if it was mine or his, but it was getting cold so I threw the shirt on. It felt like mine but without seeing what colour it was, there was no way to be sure. Suddenly, something heavy hit me on the back of my head, slightly knocking me off balance.

"Hey, watch it!" I turned around to see what the projectile missile was… a pair of jeans?

"I figured I'd get you back for punching me in the face, and I also think they are yours…" Ahh, I'll forgive him then, the floor is fairly cold and I'm sure it's not very clean, especially after what we did. I thought about that, as I pulled on my boxers and jeans. That was the first time I had officially had sex with another man, it was completely different to being with a woman. I lost my virginity when I was 16, and at the time, I considered myself to be straight, but from the age of 20 my mind started to wander. At first, I denied it; in fact, I was quite put off by the idea. I don't know why, but I got it into my head that being gay wasn't going to get me anywhere in life, I continuously ignored all the signs. I was very naïve and had a poor attitude towards it all. During my two relationships, I chose to block out all thoughts about men. I didn't completely detest women, I still don't, in fact they are incredibly beautiful, but when I was with Dom, I felt at ease. It was a difficult feeling to describe, it just felt natural, and it wasn't a forced feeling. At the end of it all, I think I will be with whomever I love at the time, be it a guy or a girl. As long as I'm happy, no one can make me feel bad about my decision.

I fumbled around for the rest of my outfit; I couldn't find my braces or tie which was very upsetting. How was I going to tell Dom I'd lost his braces? Maybe I can come back later for them…

"I think that's it mostly… although to be honest, I think I'm wearing your boxers."

Dom sniggered, "And how would you know that, Matt?" Even though I couldn't see his face, I sensed the tone of his voice, causing me to blush. I don't know how I knew that… honest.

"Oh shoosh up…" I slowly put my hand out to find him, hoping not to give him another black eye and I found his back. I pulled on his shirt to bring him nearer and gave him a tight hug. Something about Dom that I could never work out was how he had an incredibly comforting smell. It's never easy to explain to others without sounding weird, but if I was ever cold, I would always borrow his jumper or scarf. It wasn't just to feel closer to him, his clothing carried his scent and it always relaxed me. I never borrowed Chris' stuff, I'm sure he doesn't mind though, it smells of beer anyway…

"You love it really" Dom hugged me back. I do, I really do. We held on to each other for a few moments, off in our own little world. It's a wonderful place and I'm going to work hard to stay there forever.

"We should probably try to find the way out now"

"True, where's the door?" I could hear Dom reaching out, feeling along the shelves in search of the door. I turned around and felt along the brick wall, the smell from the cleaning products was starting to get to me and it was frustrating not being able to see where you were going. A short while later, I felt a cold, metal handle, finally! I put my hand around it and tried to open the door…to no avail.

"Damn, it's locked…" I let go in frustration, only to hear a small, clicking sound.

"You forgot the latch, Matt." I felt his lips brush my cheek, sneaky and yet so satisfying, "We have to behave now, don't we?"

"We do? That's a shame." It really was a shame, but it would be impossible to get away with our relationship on the outside. There is nothing wrong with two people of the same sex being together, but in our current situation, we had to be careful at first. I sighed and opened the door, flooding the room in light. I rubbed my eyes as Dom took a quick peek down the corridor.

"I think we're okay for now." We stepped out of the little room and stretched, before noticing our first and potentially major error.

"Dom… that's my shirt." He looked down and laughed.

"Actually, I think you'll find it's my shirt, you just borrow it!" He smiled at me and started to fix his hair. I wasn't smiling though, someone will notice.

"We have to swap; we can't be wearing the opposite shirts."

Dom giggled again, "Well seeing as we are also wearing the wrong trousers, we're screwed either way Matt!" He shrugged his shoulders and started walking down the corridor, so I grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Dom, I'm serious! We should go back in and change!" I was starting to stress out, but also because I was the only one who seemed worried? Why was he so calm?

"Matt, Matt, Matt…" He shook his head and wrapped his arms around me, "Relax, I'm not worried and neither should you be. We all know they never look at what you wear, it's all about your pretty face." He tilted his head and grinned. It didn't amuse me.

"They will notice."

"So?"

"So? You just said we have to behave, how we can do that in each other's clothes… with incredibly messed up hair and with…" I felt my neck, bruised," hickeys on us, I don't know."

Dom also touched his neck and sighed. "Alright, you win… maybe I like wearing your clothes, it's very…alluring." He winked at me. I know he was trying to calm me down, but he should know how paranoid I am. "There are loos further down the corridor there, we'll get changed there, okay Matt?"

"Thank you, Dom." We both headed up the corridor, safe in the knowledge that no one was going to notice. We got away with it scot-free, we should do this more often.

"What the hell are you two doing?" My body froze. That voice was the last one I wanted to hear right now. I couldn't even turn around to face it and I noticed Dom looking very uncomfortable. The voice came nearer and stood next to me. Chris, looking at us, noticing our clothes, sensing that something had happened, ruining everything.

"You make it sound like we've been hiding something from you, there's no point going back to the audience, it's not like we're nominated for any further awards. We're sneaking out the building to go to the pub! You fancy coming along?" What the hell Dom, the last thing he is thinking about is the pub, he's thinking why are we wearing opposite shirts that are terribly buttoned up and… fuck, the hickeys!

"That's a good point, I do fancy the pub. You don't mind do you? Don't want to intrude…" Oh god, I feel sick, just say it Chris, just say that you know we're fucking each other!

"Intrude what?" Jesus Dom, stop asking questions!

"Well, you guys seemed really pissed off at each other earlier, and you had that argument on Tuesday, so I just assumed you needed some alone time to make up. Don't really want you guys to be angry at each other…"

"Hey, don't worry about it! Me and Matt argue all the time, he's an arsehole remember?" He pats Chris on the back. "We're alright, we've talked about it, and now we need a drink to celebrate the fact we aren't mad anymore, sound alright?" Wow… seriously, just wow. How does he come up with so much bullshit on the spot and make it sound genuine? The true genius of the band.

"Okay okay, sounds good, sounds great actually, I'm fairly bored of this place. I'll go the coats from the table, you guys get the taxi and I'll meet you out front, yeah?"

"Excellent plan! See you in five, just need the bathroom first" Dom runs on ahead to the toilets, leaving me dumbfounded and amused all at the same time. Wait, you need to follow him Matt, he has your clothes… I'd slightly forgotten at that moment. I started to head off when Chris said something. Something that frightened me.

"Why don't you both just admit it? It's getting annoying now…" I spun round and gave him a confused look.

"Admit what?" He'd already began walking off at this point, leaving me frozen in fear. Admit what? Oh no, oh god no. He… really does know, he… knows. He knows. He… My whole body started to convulse and I fell to my knees. What was happening? I couldn't move my body and my eyes were spinning in my head. I could taste vomit in my mouth, causing me to throw up. I couldn't stop shaking, it was terrifying. I couldn't even cry out for any help and I felt tears falling from my eyes, this is so pathetic, I don't know what is happening to me... help me, someone.

Chris turned around and noticed my fit. "Matt, what the hell? What's going on?" I remember his arms going around me, his hand on my face. I couldn't quite make out his face, my eyesight was fading. I heard him shout something, it sounded like he was calling for Dom. Everything started to melt, my mind, my vision, everything faded into black. The last thing I remember is someone else holding on to me. Probably Dom, but who knows. Who knows… he knows…

*** Some time later ***

Wet… and very cold. I don't remember it raining… wait, it can't rain indoors, you fucking moron. Then, how was it raining… freezing cold rain right down my back. It was horrible, I leant forward to get it off me and I threw up into my lap. So fucking sexy Matt. I shot back and looked up, the rain was landing on my face…very specifically actually. That was odd… in fact, where I was, that was odd too. Where was I? I felt the white block beside me, it was slippery and smooth. It felt like tiles, why would there be tiles here… was I in a shower? I opened my mouth to say something, but the sick feeling shot up again so I quickly closed it. Why was I feeling so sick? What had I eaten? I actually don't remember that. I don't remember anything, goddamm it, where the hell am I?

"Help…" A pitiful cry for someone, but it worked anyway. A warm hand leant in and touched me on my cheek. I opened my eyes and saw Dom staring right at me. My stomach lurched and I turned away to throw up. Once again, the hand came back to my forehead and the next thing I know he kissed me on the lips. Oh Dom, what is wrong with me, please help me…

"Is he going to be alright?" That voice, Chris… I think. He was here too? Where was here, where are we? Why am I here? I'm so confused right now.

"Yeah, his temperature has gone down, we can probably turn it off now." I heard a squeaking sound above my head and the cold water stopped.

"Cool, I'll get the towels." Dom put his arms around me and started to drag me out of the shower. I've decided it was a shower now; it's the only thing it can be. Why was I in a shower? He dragged me over to a soft pile of…something and laid me down. They weren't soft, towels possibly, which Chris also brought more over to wrap around me. These were warm though, and really comfy. I closed my eyes slightly, only to be prodded awake again by Dom.

"Hey, you can't fall asleep just yet. The doctor is on his way to give you a check-up. Just hold tight okay?" He kissed me again on the forehead and stroked my cheek. I looked over to the right and saw Chris, staring at me as well. He just saw… Dom… do that to me? … Oh god, I feel sick. I rolled over and threw up, unfortunately over Chris' lap. He didn't object though, he just grabbed a small, wet hand towel and placed in on my head.

"Relax Matt; it's going to be okay. I don't mind, honestly." What does he not mind? My head is spinning away, I can't focus. Was I dying? Big overstatement, but I really felt like I couldn't control what was happening. I had to stay awake though, Dom told me…to stay… awake.

"Matt!" I shot up and promptly threw up again, this time my unfortunate victim was the doctor.

"Hmm, how pleasant. How long has he been doing this for?"

"Roughly 3 hours, every time he moves, it just makes him throw up. He's got nothing left him and he sounds really painful."

"I imagine it is, how is his fever?" The man placed a thermometer on my forehead, a very strange feeling. He looked me right in the eyes, which really freaked me out. I was never a big fan of doctors, especially not when I feel this shit. I beg for him to move his face away from mine, the overwhelming urge to throw up was returning.

"What do you think?" Chris knelt down beside the doctor and placed him hand on my shoulder.

"Well, to be honest, he isn't sick." Are you fucking joking, I'm dying here mate! You call yourself a doctor? Of course, I say this quietly to myself, maybe I should throw up on him again.

"He looks half dead, if he isn't sick, then what the hell is it?" Thank you Dom, sticking up for me.

"A stress-induced stomach ulcer." What?

"A what? Stomach ulcer?" Dom stares at the doctor in confusion, but Chris looked away, he seemed sad.

"He's got all the classic signs of one, as for him collapsing, I imagine it was a combination of stress, exhaustion and having not eaten in the past few days, am I right?" He directed his gaze at me, filling me up with guilt. He was right, clever bastard, but he didn't have to tell everyone… "Right now, he needs to take this medication, rest and drink lots of water. He should also have something to eat and kept in a fairly stress-free environment. I imagine he'll be able to be back on the stage in a few days, just make sure he's eating correctly." He looks at me again, stop rubbing it in, it's annoying.

"Yeah, sure, thanks Doctor."

"No worries, now I need a shower myself, your friend has made a right mess of my uniform…" The voice trailed off as Dom walked the doctor to the door. I've finally worked out we are actually back at the hotel, my mind was slowly putting the pieces together. How did I get here though, did they carry me? I bet that looked good on the NME award show… the show! I completely forgot, what happened? Do they know we went missing? Do they know why we went missing? My head throbbed again, stopped stressing Matt. Stop it! I hit the floor with my fist.

"I'm sorry Matt." Chris spoke so softly, he sounded worn out and tired.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, this is all my fault…" His voice started to quiver.

"…What?"

"If I hadn't made… made you so nervous, to be found out, this wouldn't…have happened."He started to cry, Chris, crying? Was he apologising for what happened? What did happen? Oh, the awards show, after me and Dom had… that means he does know… I held on to my stomach, I couldn't throw up again, it hurts too much.

"Hey Matt, relax, here have some water." A clear glass was held in front of me, Dom smiled weakly at me. I drank the whole thing in one gulp, my throat was so dry, and my hands were shaking.

"Dom, he… he knows…"

"I know he knows. Its okay, we've talked about it. You have nothing to fear…" I put the glass down and he wrapped his arms around me. He was shaking, I think he was crying. I started to cry as well, I wasn't sure if it was out of frustration, fright or if I was glad. I should be glad, our relationship was no longer ruled by secrecy. No more lies, no more deceit. The two of us could have whatever we wanted now. I felt another set of arms go around me, then I really started to cry. The three of us sat there, holding one another, sobbing away. What a sight that must have been. I closed my eyes and I could feel my mind drifting away. I was so tired and emotionally drained, I had to sleep. I was laid down gently onto the towel bed and I fell asleep.

This wasn't quite what I imagined would happen. What did this now mean? It wasn't the end. It felt horrible, despite the fact we should be all happy families. Our lives were over as we knew them, a change in the air and I certainly have no idea who is in control of it all now. I've never been sure of the future ahead of me, but now, it's all of our futures I fear for now. Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? I hope so… oh god, do I hope so…


	6. Chapter 6:Endlessly Love What You Become

Chapter 6: To Endlessly Love Whatever You Become…

A truly horrible dream haunted my mind as I slept. It felt like I was surrounded by everyone, pointing and laughing at me. No matter hard I tried to escape, they kept finding me and they continued to torment me. It was unbearable, all those people judging and mocking me, but amongst the crowd, two familiar faces were reaching out for me. My only beacons of light in this hell. I stretched out to grab them, but the crowd got closer and blocked them from me. I closed my eyes and started to scream… when I woke up, all wrapped up in something that smelt like it belonged to Dom. I gasp a little, still shook up from the nightmare as I tried to stretch my legs out; it felt like I hadn't moved in days. Maybe I hadn't, I had no idea as to where I was, but then again, what's new? I buried my head in the pillow, and pulled the quilt over my head. It's only a dream, Matt. A disturbing dream, yes, but a dream nonetheless. Sighing to myself, I rolled over to a new position, only to be greeted by a weird… licking sensation? I moved back in shock and found myself face to face with an unusual and scruffy guest.

"What…Lu? Since when were you on the tour bus?" A small, white dog was staring back at me, panting away. I rubbed my eyes, surely it was the medication…

"This isn't the tour bus, I live here!" The high pitched voice scared the living daylights out of me and I looked around. Lu was right, this wasn't the tour bus… the old fashioned furniture with the flowery pattern, very quaint, very…wait a minute, dogs don't talk… that's…

"Don't tell me you honestly thought that was Lu, you aren't that crazy, Matt." The voice whistled quietly and the dog stomped over my chest to get to the other side, I followed suit to see Dom cuddling the tiny animal in his arms. Lu was Dom's mother's dog, a Yorkshire terrier with a tendency to chew my shoes several times over and bury them. If we ever visited, I only ever wore slippers or trainers that were falling apart anyway. It wasn't worth the risk, I quite like my shoes. However, if Lu was here with Dom…

"How did we… wait, are we…?"

Dom grinned and put Lu back down, where she ran out the room. "Home yeah, well, mine anyway. Did you sleep okay?" He ruffled my hair and sat on the edge of the bed. I thought about telling him about my dream, but he looked worried enough already.

"Yeah, thanks. How long have I been here?"

"Not long, after we dragged you back on the tour bus, we decided we'd go home for a little bit. A less than four hour's trip, not too bad even with Tom driving. Thought you could do with some sea air and some R and R. Plus, we'll be jetting off to Japan soon for the rest of the tour, and Chris wanted to catch up with the kids and Kelly." Ahh, so I haven't been out for too long, that's good. I sat up and blinked a few times. My head was a little sore, but it felt a million times better than before.

"That's good… gosh, if we're home, think I might visit Mum then…"

"You know, she really wants to see you. Wants to talk to you about something." I frowned at Dom, talk about what, and how does he know? He smiled back and kissed me on the lips, "Don't make that face, it doesn't suit you. See you downstairs in a bit yeah? Your clothes are in the suitcase there." He pointed at a rustic-looking dresser sitting in the corner where my case was resting up against it. I nodded at him as I watched him leave the room and close the door. Sighing, I pulled the covers back and sat on the edge of the bed. I still can't comprehend what happened, it's so unbelievable how much has changed. My stomach grumbles at me, I'm absolutely famished. I wasn't eating very well, since I argued with Dom, I was too stressed to eat; thinking about it, I haven't eaten since that time at KFC… that's disgusting Matt. What kind of an example is that? How can you be a role model, when you can't even look after yourself?

"I need to get out, some fresh air…" I pull the suitcase nearer and open it up. Wasn't really in the mood to try hard, but if I was going to see my mum, I shouldn't look a total washout. Smart black jeans, a blue t-shirt… I look out the window, quite a nice day actually. Makes up for the grey skies of London. I miss the countryside, makes me feel young again, and reminds me of simpler times. At 31, I'm considered to have entered 'middle age', what a pleasant thought, I'm now 'old'. I grabbed a pair of sunglasses and hung them on my shirt, then looked at myself on the mirror. Do I look old? I look tired, that much is true. It's been a stressful week, and it's only going to get worse, fun times. I don't mind being on the road, but it certainly wears you out. Still, wouldn't trade it for the world. Leaving the room and down the narrow staircase, I walked into the living room. I can hear Dom talking to his mum in the kitchen, not sure what about though, so I decided to join them.

"Oh, morning there, how are you?" Dom's mother is so cheerful and wherever I see her, you can't resist giving her a hug. She has such a pleasant Devonshire accent, I always wondered if had I stayed here in Teignmouth, would I have the same? That would be a laugh, a real farmer twang.

"Yes yes, much better, thank you for letting me stay here." I pull out a chair and sit alongside them at the dinner table.

"No worries love, cup of tea?" Ever so tempting, I have an inability to resist a cuppa when offered. No matter where I end up in life, as long as I can have tea, I can die a happy man.

"Please, that would be great, cheers." Mrs Howard got up and put the kettle on, while Dom was eating some toast. My stomach growled again, obviously seeing something it wanted. It must have been pretty loud, as Dom laughed and handed me a slice.

"That's a very sexy noise you just made there, have some toast." I blushed but declined the offer.

"I can't, that's yours, I'll get something later when I go home." Just then, Mrs Howard put a plate of hot toast in front of me.

"Don't be silly, here's yours, eat them up while they're still warm."

"Thank you so much…" I stuffed the first slice in my mouth, home-made raspberry jam. This was why I loved the countryside, the good food and company you can find. Occupied by the overwhelming desire to eat, at first I hadn't noticed Dom staring at me. After polishing off the two pieces of bread did I see him, he was giggling at me. I gave him a confused look, to which he pointed at his own cheek, causing me to go bright red.

"How did you manage to get it on your face that much?" Mrs Howard placed the cup of tea next to my plate and handed me a napkin.

"I swear mum, you should see it when he eats pasta Bolognese, literally everywhere." I kicked him from under the table, still blushing. I wiped my face, keeping my eye on Dom. I couldn't quite work out if his mum knew the truth or not, did he usually behave like this around her? He has a good relationship with his mum, especially after his father died six years ago. I can still remember that as if it was yesterday, how distraught and broken he was. Oddly enough, that was the first time I kissed Dom, but he didn't know it. He'd fell asleep in the hospital waiting room, completely exhausted from the whole thing. His mum sent me to go find him, and just seeing him like that, I couldn't help myself. So innocent and fragile, all I wanted to do was to hold him close and tell him it was going to be okay, to be his protection. I kissed him briefly on the forehead and knelt down next to him, staring at his face. He slowly opened his eyes, still red from crying. I told him I was sorry, and I gave him a hug. A manly hug, I suppose, a quick two pats on the back, I didn't want him to suspect anything. It shocked me then to have him return the hug, holding so tightly and crying into my shoulder. I'll always remember that memory…

"You going to daydream all day, or are you going to give me a hug?" Two hands grabbed my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze. I turned round in my seat and grinned widely, it was always a pleasure to be home, to be with friends and most importantly, with family. I stood up and gave my mum a hug. "That's more like it, how are you love?"

"Very good thanks, how did you know I was here?"

"Your friends told me, morning there Dominic, hello Linda!" She gave Mrs Howard a hug, the two of them have become good friends since we got together in the band. I'm glad, they get on very well, and I don't have to worry about her being alone. I sat back at the table and took a sip of my tea, just what I'd been needing.

"Morning Marilyn, would you like a cup of tea as well?"

"Oh yes please love, two sugars."

I drank some more tea, the warmth revitalising me and settling my stomach. "Mum, did you say you wanted to talk to me about something?" Dom coughed when I said this and nudged me. Why I don't know, so I nudged him back.

"What's up dear?"

"You told Dom that you wanted to ask me… oww, stop elbowing me!" Dom hit me again a bit harder this time and shook his head at me. It reminded me of the interview we had with Kate when he kicked… I'm sure we hadn't discussed that I couldn't ask my mum questions, what was he getting at?

"I think you'll find it was you who wanted to talk to me." My mum crossed her arms and looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

"Me? What… what did I want to tell you?"

"That's what Dominic told me, he said you had something to tell me, something very important…" I glared back at Dom, did he tell my mum I was… no way, he wouldn't. He hasn't even told his own mother, why would he tell mine?

"Why don't we leave them to talk, hey Dom? It would be rude to intrude." Mrs Howard smiled as she walked out the kitchen and headed to the dining room. Dom also stood up, and put his hand on my shoulder before whispering something in my ear.

"Don't worry, she'll understand, my mum did." He patted me twice and left the room , shutting the door behind him. Fuck.

"So, what is this big news you have?" I looked up at my mum and sighed. Trust Dom to put me in this situation, I suppose I would have had to tell her at some point, just not this way. I needed some fresh air…

"Let's go for a walk Mum, I'll tell you then."

*** Along the town front ***

Twenty minutes later, we stopped walking just outside the entrance to the main pier. The wind was blowing, but it was gentle and warm, so we sat down on a bench facing the sea. I sighed and started rubbing my hands on my legs. Nervous again, I thought I was supposed to avoid these stressful situations. I felt an arm around my shoulders, it was my mum. She was smiling at me, calming me down.

"Matthew, you don't need to be nervous." I don't, but it doesn't stop me waiting to plan my escape route from here. How can I possibly put into words how I feel, I hate being this lost for thought.

"No, I know… it's just very difficult to say." This was more nerve-racking than the NME award show, I took a deep breath. "Mum, I'm…

"Gay, yes, I know."

"What?" I choked on my own breath, how the hell?

"Oh dear, your face is a picture! Ha ha, bless… was that all you were going to tell me? Matthew, I'm your mother, I already figured something was up. Plus, Linda told me that Dominic was, that sealed it for me." Are there no such thing as secrets? I know women like to gossip but come on…

I shuffled uncomfortably on the bench, she'd put me in a spot. "Mum, please, it isn't like that."

"Well, I know, you aren't completely one way or the other, but it doesn't matter. I'll love you whatever you choose to do, because at the end of the day, you will still always be my son." When she said that, it brought a big grin to my face and I felt like crying. Dom was right, she did understand, in fact several people now know, and they are all fine with it, almost like they had known all along and were just waiting for me to confirm it. I grab my mum's hand and rest my head on her, breathing a sigh of relief. I love my mother, she always knows what to say and when to say it… which I could have inherited that skill.

"Aww, such a cute couple!" I look up to see Dom walking over to us, the wind blowing his hair across his face. He was the cute one, I winked at him and he waved back. My mum waved him over, a big smile across her face.

"Hello my dear, how are you?"

"Not bad, not bad. Just thought I'd tell you , my mum is cooking lasagne tonight and wanted to invite you both to join us, if you don't mind. Chris and Kelly will be there too." Lasagne? Dom's mum sure knows how to woo a guy…

"Oh definitely, that sounds lovely, in fact, I'll head over now, give her a hand" My mum stood up, giving Dom a hug.

"Shall I come as well to help?" I began to stand up, when my mum gently pushed me back in the seat.

"We ladies don't need you noisy boys in the kitchen, you'll spoil it! See you both later! " She kissed me on the forehead and walked off, leaving me and Dom alone. He sat down next to me and put an arm around me.

"Told you she'd understand, mothers are very useful like that." I couldn't say a word, I was too caught up in.. in how happy I was feeling. Before, back at the hotel in London, I was depressed and miserable, completely paranoid at the thought of anyone knowing, but now I could happily scream at the top of my lungs how much in love I was with Dom. I turned to him and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you, Dom." I picked my feet up and laid on the bench, resting my head on Dom's lap. It didn't matter if anyone saw us, I doubt anyone left here would remember us… well except from the home-coming gigs. Wow, they were ages ago, it's been too long since we've been back. Too much time has passed, life is flashing past and I just can't keep up. Might as well just appreciate the time we have now. I closed my eyes, soaking up the moment and slowly fell asleep… for five minutes.

"Yay, Uncle Matt and Uncle Dom!" A child decided to dive bomb on my chest, winding me slightly and sending Dom into a fit of laughter. I sat up and gave the child an evil look, to which it stuck it's tongue out at me and ran back to its doting parents, both chuckling away.

"Nice one, Alf! Next time, use your elbow!" Chris hugged his son before strolling over to us and sitting at the end of the bench. "How are you guys, you tell your mum yet Matt?"

"Yeah, it was weird, she was strangely accepting about it all. I thought she would be disappointed…" Chris put an arm around me and shook me.

"Of course not, she's your mum, she knows everything about you. Just because you've kept it secret from us doesn't mean she's in the dark. Besides, I always thought there was something going on…"

I raised an eyebrow and glared at him. He stifled a laugh, he was obviously talking bullshit, so I jabbed him in the side, forcing him off the bench. Dom got up as well and offered me a hand.

"Come on Matt; let's go get some lasagne, Mum will be waiting!" I grabbed his hand, and as he pulled me up, I wrapped my other arm around him and kissed him on the lips. I could hear Chris tutting in the background, but I didn't care. We smiled at each other and I pecked him on the nose.

"I'm well up for some food now" I linked arms with Dom and we started walking off back home, with Chris behind us shaking his head. We were deliberately winding him up, it was strangely satisfying. Before I was mortified that he knew, it almost drove me to breaking point, but now I'm glad things happened the way they did. Chris seemed a lot more relaxed than I've ever seen him, he seems happier. Maybe he did know something was going on, and I'm sure he didn't appreciate us keeping secrets from him, after all, we are best friends from school. If I remember correctly, Chris was quite mad at me not too long ago… maybe one day I will ask him about it. Clear the air. Right now though, it was all about relaxing, being at ease with each other. Being… friends.

Five days later, we were at the airport, waiting for the plane to arrive. In public, we decided not to act like a… couple. I think I can use that word, we are now a couple. We've decided it's not out of shame; it just worked better this way. We didn't need to anyways, I looked at him and he smiled in return. After everything we'd been through, it was only for this. Being comfortable with our friends, feeling no shame amongst them, we can work on the public opinion later. I was so caught up in the thought of Chris and others judging us… judging me. I've buried my head in the sand for so long, pretending not to notice my own feelings, dragging myself further and further into depression. I've caused quite a lot of pain to people in the past, but this is now. I've woken from my nightmare, and now I think our lives have just begun. These Road Trips and Revelations… are far from finished, for now.


	7. Chapter 7: Thoughts of a Dying Musician

Tours of Symmetry

Chapter 1 - Thoughts of a Dying Musician

Japan, the craziest country I have ever had the pleasure of performing in. I love it there, if I wasn't currently residing in Italy, this is where I can see myself settling quite nicely. The culture is mesmerising, and even though I have no idea what the signs say, it fascinates me every time. Besides, buying clothes is much easier here, no longer do I feel self-conscious when picking extra small. I can't help that I am of diminutive stature, I often shout at Chris, as he laughs down at me. Yes, he laughs down at me, because he is the almighty giant of the band. Lucky Dom, he's not that much taller than me, but he doesn't get half the grief I do.

Anyway, back to Japan, or more precisely Nagoya. The gig is being held at the Aichi Taiiku Kan, which according to Dom translates into the Aichi Prefecture…Gymnasium… how bizarre. Never mind, I love Nagoya, the gig is going to be mental; they adore us over here. Plus, there is some excellent sightseeing to get done, seeing as we've got three full days before the gig. Most of that will be setting up the stage and sound checking, but I do plan on getting a culture soak up as well. The temples, the castle and the food, second best to Italian cuisine. Dom introduced me to the intricate world of sushi and I've never looked back since. He can't get enough of it and we're now convincing Chris to join in, but the lack of 'proper meat' as he calls it greatly upsets him. Without a pasty and Guinness, I swear that man can't call it a real meal.

"Bloody hell, this map is fucked up!" I look over at a frustrated Chris, flipping a tour guide map round and round. He turns to me and frowns, "Please help, you know these squiggly letters better than I do!" He says that, I took a 2 week course in Japanese so I didn't look like a complete idiot when trying to address the crowd. I know 'Hello', 'Thank you', 'How are you' and 'Good evening'… I knew I wasn't going to learn much. Languages are not my strong point… neither is Maths, but we needn't go into that. That… is a sore subject. Music is for me, and occasionally Art. What can I say, I like being creative, the world holds no boundaries for those with originality and imagination, not those who have to follow the rules. That's my excuse anyway for not learning much Japanese, but, I might as well give it a try.

"Alright then… well firstly you need to hold it the right way round." I raise an eyebrow at him, and he frowns back, "Secondly… we're here." I point at the metro sign; marked with a lovely, clear 'M', very similar to the sign above our heads, saying 'Metro'. Chris mumbles something under his breath to the effect of 'piss off' and took the map off me. I sighed and looked over at Dom who was talking to two tourists. Two teenage girls, who appeared to recognise him, had asked him for an autograph and a picture. Bless, I'm tempted to go join them. I walk over to them and as one turned towards me, her mouth dropped and she started to jump up and down.

"Berami-sama, Berami-sama!" I love it when they say my name. I smiled at them and waved to them, Dom winked back as well. Don't make me blush in public, Dom! The girls run over and hand over two copies of our album, The Resistance, already adorned with Dom's autograph. I take the pen off them and sign them both just above his name. I like this sort of attention; it isn't too crazy and manic. Not that there is a problem with… manic fans. They are fun too… sort of. Maybe I just can't work out why they are so crazy; I wish they would tell me why they are so fascinated by us.

"Would you guys want a photo?" Their eyes widen and they nod back with a big grin on their face. They hand the camera over to Dom and I stand in-between them, putting my arms around them. They were shorter than me, thankfully, so I didn't feel too stupid. It's very embarrassing sometimes when, especially girls younger than you are actually taller than you. 5 foot 7 inches is actually an average height here, Chris is the anomaly. Well, actually Chris is the pain in the arse as I soon discovered, because after the picture was taken, Dom started to burst out laughing.

"What is so funny?"

"Ha-ha, nice one Chris!" Chris walks over to Dom and they high-five one another. He hands the camera back to the girls, who inspect their photo…with many giggles to follow. What were they all laughing at? They took some more pictures with Chris and ran off to the metro, looking very satisfied and giddy, leaving me very confused.

"Don't worry about it, Matt; come on, let's head to the venue" Still stifling his laughter, Dom hailed down a taxi to take us to Aichi Taiiku. On the way, I learnt what Chris had done, so I jabbed him in the side. Bunny ears are only funny when it's not you who has them… how embarrassing.

*** Outside the venue***

A small group of people were hanging by the building and I'm fairly sure they were waiting for us. Shame, at the moment, I don't think we have the time, we've got some practice to do. The taxi drove to the back entrance and dropped us off, only to be welcomed by a very sullen looking Tom sulking outside the tour bus.

"Oh, there you are…" He sounded tired and distracted, I wondered what had happened.

"Hey mate, we ready for a sound check?" Dom patted him on the back, but Tom didn't return the friendly smile.

"Yeah yeah, go on, get in there." This was very unlike Tom, I walked over to him and frowned at him, hoping he'll tell us something, but he just turned away.

"Cool, let's go." Chris ignored Tom and headed into the building, followed by Dom. I stayed behind, Tom was our friend and something was clearly bothering him, I had to find out.

"Tom, this isn't like you, what's bothering you?" He didn't even look at me, just started playing with his phone; if there is anything I don't appreciate, it's being ignored. I walk over to him and put my hand on his shoulder, "Hey, look at me, what's your problem?" That was very harsh of me, I know, I was aggravated, blame the jet-lag.

However, as harsh as I was, I did not expect what happened next. I actually didn't see it coming, despite the fact it was aimed right at me. He had spun round, and shoved me. It completely caught me off guard and I fell backwards and hit my head on the floor. Whether I was still weak from all the sickness or Tom was actually stronger than I thought, I was knocked out. This obviously wasn't the first time this has happened to me, but still, it's a very strange sensation… very strange…

* * *

The reflection looked back at me and frowned. The mirror never would lie to me. I couldn't even stop lying to myself but no matter how many times I would scream at the mirror, it would always say the same thing back to me. You, Matt, are an idiot. I sat down on my bed and punched the mattress. It was depressing to think I may always be cursed like this. I turned and looked at the clock, eight o'clock. Shit, barely enough time to get ready, I wasn't even dressed. I'd been ignoring the constant yelling at me to get my arse out of bed as my mind was far too distracted to even concentrate on college. Actually, that was a slight lie as it was college itself that distracted me the most, especially my band, and well… something else… but I don't feel like thinking about it.

I've always loved music, playing piano from an early age and I've been getting into guitar a lot recently. Our band is called Rocket… wait, no, it's changed. I have to remember that... our band… is called Muse, short and professional sounding. At least that's what I thought, and it was my passion to get that name posted over arenas all around the world. It's an extravagant dream, and I actually doubt it will ever happen but it's nice to have a life goal that reaches for the stars.

"Matthew! Come on, the bus is coming in 5 minutes! Get your arse down here now!" That would be my grandmother, she wasn't as subtle as my mum when it came to waking me up, but seeing as my mum was going through a rough spot at the moment, I've moved in with my grandmother. Not that it's too much of a bother; I don't spend much time at home. It's all about band practice these days. I threw on some kind of outfit; I wasn't really paying attention and ran out of the house, guitar in hand. I could hear my grandmother shouting after me, but I was already out the door. Shit, I really was late.

It was raining slightly, so I was glad that the bus showed up shortly after I got to the stop. Showing my pass, I headed along the bus to the back seats. There was a system, the young ones sat at the front while we teenagers got the back rows. We were just that cool, I guess. There weren't many people on the bus yet, so I grabbed a window seat and put my guitar next to me. I looked out the window and watched the passing houses and people. Staring out the window was a favourite pastime of mine, especially watching all the poor people without their umbrellas walking outside, getting completely soaked. Fools.

"Didn't know guitars got their own seats, how privileged…" I looked back to see the face of my band mate and one of my best friends at school, Dom Howard. He was a really cool guy, I couldn't quite work out what it was about him that I really liked, but he was fun to hang around with. Plus, he was very talented and a great laugh. I couldn't say a bad word about him, I was lucky to have him as my friend. I moved my guitar between my legs and high-fived him as he sat next to me.

"Hey man, how are you?" Dom slung his bag on the floor and leant back, sighing. My eyes involuntarily looked at his legs… wow, that is weird. I shook my head and looked at his face, hoping he hadn't noticed. He was too busy drumming on the seat in front. That was what was bothering me this morning, every morning. You would think I would be thinking about my girlfriend all the time, she's gorgeous and last week, we actually had sex. First time, sex, you know? It was… it was something else. An incredible moment, but guess what I could only think about, Dom. I've known him for so long now and though it had never bothered me before, recently just seeing him… get over it Matt, you're being an idiot. You are an idiot.

"Not much, just glad we haven't got many lessons today… I'm all for college, but some days it is nice to kick back and relax."

"That's Friday for you, up for some practice?" He looked at me and chuckled, while gently tapping me on the head with one of his drumsticks.

"Sure thing, I've been looking forward to it all week actually." He smiles at me, which made my heart skip a little. Even weirder, Dom never acted like this before. I turned away and looked out the window again to see… everything plunging into darkness. It was almost as if we'd driven into a tunnel and there wasn't a single light out there, just the few in the bus. That was really peculiar, I looked forwards and noticed everyone had gone… I couldn't even see the driver. I blinked several times and noticed the only people left on the bus were me and Dom. He smiled at me, leant in and kissed me on the lips. The fuck?! I shot back in my seat and gasped. He was looking straight into my eyes, not blinking, just watching me.

"D…Dom? You…" He tilted his head at me and smirked, placing his hand on my knee and moving it up along my thigh.

"Don't be scared. Come on Matt, kiss me." He put his hand on the back of my head, and pulled me closer. I tried to pull away but he was stronger than me and he kissed me even harder than before. This was not happening, this was a dream, surely? I felt his tongue in my mouth as he started to undo my tie. My heart was in my throat, and I felt my body flush. I looked up at Dom, who had removed my tie and shoved my guitar out the way. He straddled my lap and started to unbutton my shirt. At this point, I felt like I'd left my body and I wasn't even sure what I was doing anymore. I certainly wasn't objecting anymore, maybe this was what I'd been wanting for so long. I argued every morning that I wasn't gay, I did everything I could to act manly, that I was not into guys… I loved…my girlfriend. Honestly. I felt tears falling down my cheeks, then I felt his lips kiss them away. I felt him kiss all of it away.

"Dom… this is real isn't it?" I looked at him and he shook his head.

"Not quite, but you already know that. You know what else you know?" He smiled at me and I nodded in return.

"I do, I'm in love with you, right? You love me too… and that I've always been in love with you and I will always be in love with you…"

"Yep, that's right." He nodded and sat back on the seat. "We've been waiting for you for so long."

"Who has?" He pointed down the bus; I couldn't believe who I saw. Chris, Tom, my mother, my girlfriend… some older woman I didn't…no, I know who she was, she was my ex-fiancé. I was engaged? No, I was going to be engaged to her. I was going to lie to her for so many years, I was going to break her heart. She smiled at me, she wasn't mad. Maybe she always knew. They all knew, they were just…

"Waiting for you." Dom smiled warmly and almost out of nowhere, grabbed a glass of water and threw it at me.

"Fuck!" I shook my head and sat up. Someone was leaning over me; he looked a lot like Dom, but older than before…

"What happened to you, your head is bleeding." He held me up and placed a tissue up to my head. I was still slightly confused by what had just happened, everyone on the bus was gone, in fact the entire bus had gone. Looking around, I noticed I was in a car park outside a large building and it was sunny… that was odd, it was raining earlier. My head throbbed as I got to my feet.

"How did you end up on the floor?" A tall guy tilted his head at me as I brushed myself off. I have no idea who he was, but he did slightly look like Chris just with less hair. One thing that was sure, I certainly wasn't in Teignmouth anymore, it was too humid for starters. I could see various people looking at me, I think…they were people I know, but I don't know why. I looked down at my hands and up again at the man in front of me, he was frowning at me. He really did look like Dom, but it's so blurry in my head right now. I couldn't even work out my own name. I was.. I was... who was I? My name is…fuck, I'm drawing a complete blank. Who the hell am I?

"Umm, sorry but… who are you?" The man looked even more shocked than before and took two steps back.

"You don't remember?" I shook my head, I felt so stupid. I wish I was back on the bus… with Dom. That was so strange, one minute I was sixteen, and now I'm… older? I looked down at myself, I wasn't any taller though. I felt my face, slight stubble. Ever since I can remember, I'd been trying to grow stubble to impress the girls… another attempt to seem manly. Hmm, I think…I must have been dreaming about the past. That never did happen though, I never made out with Dom before. Something was telling me though, that I loved him. But how was that possible if I'd never ever done anything like that with him? I'm so confused, what is going on?

"I don't know…" I try to take a few steps, but my head throbbed and I fell back to my knees. The man knelt down beside and pulled me back up. He started to talk to the others, saying something like getting me on the bus, I think I heard the names Chris and Tom, but maybe I was still dreaming that. I closed my eyes, trying to collect the facts but nothing was making sense. I had travelled back to the years of college and confessed my love to my best friend, who I now believe is helping me try and remember. Intriguing…

We sat down on the couch on the bus, and I felt a cold towel being placed across my forehead. That was nice, in fact that really helped. I think I slightly remember things now. This was our tour bus and the person helping was Dom. He was 32 years old now, twice the age he was on the bus. Another thing about Dom, he was my… boyfriend. I actually was with him, I just needed to admit it to myself. I thought I'd accepted this fact, but it's obviously not completely settled. I must have definitely been reminiscing the past, whilst blending parts of the present. I seriously needed to stop taking the medication I'm on. I saw another figure sit opposite me, this was Chris. Another one of my old friends from college, and another member of our band… Muse. Chris Wolstenholme, Dom Howard and…

"I'm… Matt? Matt Bellamy, right?" Dom put his arm around me and cheered.

"That's it! Glad to have you back, was worried for a moment then. Thought I'd lost you!" He kisses me on the cheek and Chris leant in and patted me on the shoulder.

"Good lad, now you've come back, maybe you can tell us what happened to you?" That's a point, what did happen? Thinking about it… I do remember. I was talking to Tom… our other friend. He helps us out a lot, don't know where we would be without him. Well, I probably wouldn't be in this situation, seeing as he shoved me over. That was it, he was being a miserable sod, so I went to see what the problem was and he knocks me out.

"Tom… where is he?"

"Sitting outside, having a smoke… he looked very distracted. Why?" I ponder on this, deciding my next move. I was going to talk to him again, I need to clear this up once and for all. What was his problem and why…would he hit me? I stood up and was just about to leave when Dom grabbed my arm.

"Are you okay there? You sure you don't need to rest?" Dom, after all these years has always looked out for me, giving me that sweet smile. I was so lucky. I bent down and kissed him on the forehead and whispered in his ear.

"Don't worry about me…" I paused for a moment, "…I love you." I turned and left the bus, I knew what had to be done.

Tom was sitting on a box outside the bus, starring at the floor. A gloomy expression on his face made me cautious, so I slowly approached him, keeping my distance. I wasn't planning on getting into another fight.

"Umm, Tom? Can we talk?" He sighed and looked up at me, his eyes red. Surely, he hadn't been crying? That was unlike Tom, if there was such a thing, making me even more wary . He stood up, still looking at me. I took a step back, I couldn't quite work out his mood and I wasn't ready for an additional smack to the head. If there is anything I have learnt from my experiences though, it's that life has an incredibly fucked up way of working, and that no matter what I do, nothing will end smoothly without a single problem. However, I was still surprised about what happened next, actually, I was completely thrown by what happened.

Tom walked towards me, and… kissed me. Right there, in public, right on my lips. No. NO!

I stepped back and gave him a look of almost… horror. This was… wrong. No way could this be happening. He started to stare at the floor but I couldn't take my eyes off him. No… this wasn't right. No… I felt lost, crushed…cold… this was not right. Confusing as fuck and it was scaring the hell out of me, I couldn't stay there. I ran back on the bus, ignoring the confused glances from Dom and Chris as I ran into my room, slamming the door behind me. My face was flushed, my heart pounding. How could this even happen? It couldn't… it can't. Dom and now… Tom?

I can't do this, it felt like déjà vu, it felt like, it was a tour of symmetry, like life was repeating itself. The feeling was dark and if I thought my road trips and revelations was frightening… I wish I had known how scary this would be. It's never going to be easy, let's face it, but… right now… the end is all I can see.


	8. Chapter 8: Love Of The Problematique

Chapter 2 – Love of the Problematique

I wished I was still dreaming, I wished it wasn't real. My thoughts were closing in on me, fogging up any logical conclusion… all I could see was how stupid I had been. With Dom, before we were together, I hadn't noticed how kind and loving he was to me all the time. I assumed that nothing would ever happen and I assumed his attention wasn't out of affection. Now, this whole time, I assumed that Tom was our friend and that was it. He didn't have any tendencies towards us, he was just… Tom. Now though… this was crazy. I couldn't possibly bring this up with anyone, but I couldn't keep it to myself. It'll eat away at me… why does this have to happen to me?

"Hey Matt, are you there?" Dom was knocking at my door and I froze on the spot. If I open that door, I know what will happen, I'll open my big mouth and ruin this. I know, I've done it before. I'll just stay quiet… maybe he'll leave.

"Matt, we know you are in there, just open the door." Damn you Chris… perhaps, if I pretend to be asleep, I can get away with it…

"Matt, we need to talk." Shit, Tom. Now this was serious, I definitely can't open that door now. I have to get out of here, why is there only one fucking door to this room? I started to panic, looking for an escape, looking for a way out. I looked over at the window, it could open wide enough for me to climb out, it's just a bit… high off the ground. Now is not the time to worry, I'd rather fall and probably break my leg than ever open that door. It was a dumb way to think and totally irresponsible, but since when was I level-minded? I quietly skip to the window and unlock the latch. It would be a tight squeeze, even at the furthest it will open to. I stick my arm out to find something to grab onto, but to no avail. Why was this bus designed in such a useless fashion? Sighing, I stare out the window, my mind racing. The banging at the door got louder, I'm sure they were going to break it any minute now. With Chris at the helm, no door would be strong enough.

"For crying out loud Matt, open the goddamn door!" Yup, Chris was going to break the door. You've got one chance, you jump or you die. Holy shit.

"Please, it's nothing bad, we just need to talk." Sure thing Dom, I bet Tom has told you everything. No fucking way am I going out that door. This is it Matt. I squeezed my body through the window and clung onto the side, lifting my legs over and outside. This was mental, I was completely out now, hanging on to the open window pane. It must have been about fifteen feet to the ground… that was like three of me… this was such a dumb idea. I couldn't even look down, I was terrified… this was a really dumb idea. Before I could even contemplate pulling myself back up, I could hear the door being slammed open. The loud bang shocked me and my grip slipped. This was one of those moments that you truly regret, but only after it's too late to go back. I was going to fall, no doubt about it. How I was going to land…no time to think. I let go with both my hands.

"No use hiding now… Matt? Matt?"

I don't know if someone was looking down on me that day or I was owed a favour from the miracle workers that be, but I landed fairly well. Actually, I landed on someone's car, so that suffered a minor dent to its roof, but nothing that can't be fixed. I'll leave a cheque on it when I come back. As for me, nothing was broken, just a bit bruised… nothing to worry about. I slide off the roof and looked back at the window. How I climbed out of there was beyond me, but I hadn't got time to marvel at my deed, I had to run. It's time to run away from here, I just can't deal with this right now.

After about ten minutes of randomly running down the street, I stopped alongside the road to catch my breath. My ankle was actually a bit sore, maybe my landing wasn't as good as I thought, and running at top speed probably isn't doing it any favours. Unfortunately now, I've come to the conclusion that I have no idea where to go to and I do not know anyone in Nagoya to go to either. This was an incredible plan Matt, beyond genius. I stood by the side of the road, watching the cars drive past me and just feeling lost. I'd run away from everyone who could help me right now, I didn't even have my phone on me to call for anyone. Right now, I really want to talk to my mum… no, my brother. He'd probably laugh at me, but he'd still know what to do. Damn it, I really wish I hadn't run off now. What was I even running for, if anyone should be feeling that way, its Tom… maybe it was too much like last time. I couldn't run away from Dom, he kept coming after me, he kept chasing me. I appreciated that, but I don't think I could now cope with someone else in the picture. Did Tom genuinely like me? That would be bizarre. That blows my mind.

"Excuse me sir?" I leapt out of my skin when I felt a cold hand touch my arm. A young woman was standing next to me, she was looking straight at me. She didn't recognise me, did she? I wasn't really in the mood for that right now.

"Umm, yes, how can I help you?" I'm best off playing it cool, no harm in talking to her, I guessed.

Her face lit up and she smiled at me, "Oh my god!" Wait, maybe she did know who I was… "You speak English, oh thank goodness!" Maybe not… not everyone likes your band Matt, stop being so egotistic.

"Ha, yeah, I do… is everything okay?" She sighed deeply and wiped her forehead.

"I'm so lost right now, and everyone I talk to won't help me. They either can't speak English or don't know what I'm looking for. It's so confusing here… I wish I never tried to do this on my own." She frowned and shuffled her feet. I know how she feels, I feel lost too so I felt like I should really help her out.

"Well, what are you looking for? I'm not that good at directions, but I'll do my best to help out." I smiled at her and patted her on the shoulder.

"Thank you so much, you're so kind. Umm, I'm looking for this place!" The girl hands over a small guide map and points at… oh dear.

"The Aichi Taiiku Kan? The Gymnasium building?" Her eyes widen and nodded energetically. Oh dear, why did she want to go there? She didn't look like she was from this area, she didn't even look like she was from Japan… so why did she want to go to where our gig was?

"That's it! My friend is working there, setting up a concert for a big British band and she told me I should come and visit, maybe say hi to them! She thought it would make me less homesick… but I can't remember the name of the band… so I probably won't know them… not that it matters…" Her voice grew quieter the more she spoke, maybe it was nerves of rambling to a stranger. Again, I knew how she felt. It's hard not to ramble when you are trying to get the point across, especially when you've got so many ideas bouncing around your head. Poor girl, she seemed tired from all the travelling and being lost in a country like this can't be fun. I didn't want to go back there, but I couldn't just leave her here. I do have a heart sometimes.

"I know where that is, if you don't mind, I can show you the way?"

"Really? Oh, thank you so much! My phone was dead, so I couldn't call my friend. I was beginning to lose hope… thank you, oh, I forgot, my name is Meia." She offered her hand and I shook it back. It was very odd that she trusted a complete stranger, I never could have done that when I was a teenager. Times are changing Matt, oh that's right, I'd forgotten too.

"Thanks, my name is Matt."

"Alright Matt, let's go!" She punched the air and waited for me to lead the way. Energetic no doubt, but at least she was happier than she was earlier. Wish I felt like that. Going back now would be suicide.

Half way down the street, Meia turned to me and poked my side. "Hey, umm, don't think this weird but, how old are you?" She looked at me curiously and I half wanted to lie. She must have thought I was some kind of creep, helping out teenage girls, showing them places. How did she even know we were going the right way? I could be leading her somewhere dangerous… I wanted to say I was twenty, the age gap wouldn't be so weird. There is nothing wrong with an age gap, but I'm fairly sure her parents wouldn't approve of this right now.

"Err… gosh, I'm twe…" I sighed, " I'm 31… yourself?"

"Wow, you look so young, I wouldn't have said thirty." I smile, that was sweet of her. I don't like feeling old, I'm glad she thought I was younger.

"How about you, how old are you?"

"I'm 23 years old since yesterday." Wow, now it was my turn to be shocked.

"Serious? I thought you were… a kid, no, I mean a teen, you know. Err, I thought you were 17 or something... sorry." Actually, it was more like 15, but I wasn't going to say that. She skipped a bit and grinned at me. Her smile was so cute, I blushed a little. Oh for crying out loud Matt.

"Thanks, I probably act like a child, I confuse a lot of people, so don't worry about it!" She laughed and I laughed back. For some strange reason, this was very comfortable. She wasn't trying to get to know me because I was some frontman in a band, but just as a friend. I didn't really have, actually, I didn't have any good friends who didn't know what I was. What a sad thought. I sighed loudly and she grabbed my arm.

"Hey, what was that for? Can't be all depressed now, what's wrong?" Bless, she sounded generally worried.

"It's nothing, just thinking to myself."

"Well, how about you starting thinking out loud then? That way, people can help you!" She closed her eyes and smiled at me, and I felt my entire face flush. This was so embarrassing.

"Err, well, it's just that… I kind of don't want to go back to this Gymnasium place, I've just… well, I sort of ran away from there not too long ago." She frowned and tugged at my sleeve.

"Why did you run away?"

"I had to… it's complicated."

"Well, talk me through it and maybe we'll both understand it better, yeah?" She was right, I couldn't quite understand it myself… it's not like she is going to tell anyone. I trust her, that was shocking, but I did.

"Okay, let's try this. I'm currently going out with this… person, and we work together, but everyone else also knows and they are cool with it. Now then, another person… who I work with and I thought was just my friend, came up to me and kissed me, completely out of the blue. Following so far?"

She nodded her head. "Does the person you are going out with know about this kiss?"

"I hope not, but I imagine by now, they do." Tom had probably told the others by now, how frightening. I sighed again, my heart was hurting and so was my stomach. I knew I wasn't supposed to get so stressed over things, but life was persistently being a pain.

"Well, what's the problem? You love the first person, right?"

"Yeah, I do. I love so much. I can't be without them."

"Then nothing can stop that, this other person has to realise that you would never throw away something so precious, would you?" She was right, nothing would stop me wanting Dom… even Chris confessing his love wouldn't stop me… actually that is a truly terrifying thought Matt, don't think that.

"Hmm, you're right. I don't know, I have a tendency to fuck these things up."

"Don't we all." This time, Meia sighed. I felt really selfish, I'd been complaining about my problems without a second thinking about her feelings. I put my arm round her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Hey, no frowning from you either. It doesn't suit you." She smiles back at me and gave me a hug, catching me off guard a little. She was roughly the same height as me, with similar features as Dom. That dirty blonde hair colour and the same kind eyes. I would actually go so far to say she was his female equivalent in looks… that's not a thought to repeat again. No, I'm in love with Dom. What am I thinking? I'm no hypocrite, if Tom is not to sway my feelings, then this girl can't either.

We arrive outside the building to see a frantic looking Dom running around the car park, I've been gone for roughly half an hour, so I can understand why he's worried. I whistle at him to catch his attention. He spun round and saw me, his face lit up as he ran towards me. I did miss him and I felt bad for running away, almost like a spoilt brat running from its parents. I'd completely forgotten about Meia as he came close and we hugged. I'd missed this, so I held him tightly, wrapping my arms around him. I could hear a muffled cry in my shoulder, please don't cry… you'll make me…

"Thank god you are okay, dude we were worried! Where did you go?" Chris started to walk towards us as Dom let go, wiping a tear from his eye. They were all troubled that I had gone missing, now I really feel stupid. I could see Tom in the background, he truly looked distraught. Before, I didn't want to come back, but having a chat with Meia has brightened my spirits and giving me some confidence. It's funny how women have that affect on you, they are just much better with words than men ever could be. I miss… Matt, stop it. Stop it.

"Hey guys, I'm really sorry about that…"

"Did you honestly jump out of your window?"

"Err, pretty much. Landed on a car, so it wasn't that far for me." Still hurt though, but I won't say that, I'll upset Dom even more.

"Wow, didn't realise you were that desperate to not do a sound check." A what now? Sound check? But, what about the whole fiasco with… I saw Tom walking nearer to us, shaking his head. He hadn't… no way. He didn't tell them? I couldn't believe that. I tried to show him a confused look, but he just shook his head again.

"Oh… umm, ha-ha, yes. Indeed." Well, this is awkward. I knew paranoia would get the best of me, I scratched the back of my head, feeling fairly stupid as usual.

"Hey Matt, you going to introduce me?" Oh yeah, how rude, poor Meia.

"Ahh yes, while I was away, I met Meia, apparently her friend is working here. Meia, this is Dom and that is Chris."

"Your friend works here, what is their name?"

"Keiko. Keiko Ikeshiro? Do you know her?" Actually, I never asked her what her friend was called, again with the rudeness.

"Yeah, I do! She's our translator while we are here in Nagoya. She's very sweet, bless her. Always bringing sushi to our dressing room…" Dom started to drift off, probably thinking about food. I was quite hungry myself, might dig into some in a bit.

"Your translator? Why would you need a translator?"

"Oh, while we are performing here, we need to organise things with the owner and Keiko helps us out."

"You are performing here?"

"Yeah, we're in a band called Muse, we're a British rock band…"

"Oh my god! I do know you guys! My brother listens to you all the time, I didn't recognise you!" She paused, mid-thought… I think it just clicked. Shame really, I enjoyed the fact she didn't know I was supposed to be famous.

"Matt! You are in the band too?"

"Oh yeah, I didn't really mention that, did I?" For good reason as well, but it's too late now.

"That's really cool, I feel so bad for not knowing that… but what about all that stuff we talked about?" Oh shit, please don't bring that up! I grabbed her shoulder and laughed, hoping to distract her.

"What you talking about, we didn't talk about anything like that!" She gave me a confused look, before looking over at Dom who was smiling at us, and then back at me. Her eyebrow raised, before she started giggling. What was she getting?

"Ahh, okay. No, you are right, we didn't talk about anything… umm, do you know where Keiko is right now?"

Chris piped up. "She's over through that door there, probably having a good chat with the canteen staff, making more of that weird rice stuff."

"Okay, I should probably go say hi, she'll be worried. Thank you Matt for helping me get here, it was really nice talking to you. Hopefully see you guys around, maybe I can learn all about your band, yeah?" She smirked at me before giving me a hug.

"Of…of course, you can hang out here anytime you want." I was nervously rambling, the fact she was hugging me in front of Dom was making me feel very exposed. She didn't help by giving me a quick peck on the cheek as she let go.

"Cool, catch you guys later!" She waved at us all before running off to the building, I had a feeling I would be seeing her soon… I'm not sure if that would be a good thing.

"Aww, Matt's got a new girlfriend!" Chris patted me on the back before walking off towards Tom. They both headed in the same direction as Meia, leaving both me and Dom in the car park. I turned to him and he smiled back at me, giving me a kiss on the lips.

"I'm glad you are back, I was really worried about you. Don't do that again, please?" I nodded my head and hugged him again. I had let him down, being so paranoid about everything else thus forgetting the most important person to me right now.

"I'm sorry, you know what?" I moved close to his ear, "I'll make it up to you, if you want." I moved my hand towards his crotch and kissed his ear, slightly biting his ear lobe. He let out a gasp and placed his hand on my waist. We looked each other, a wide smile on both our faces. It had been a while and it felt right. I can't keep focusing on the bad or what might happen, just appreciate the present, appreciate what I've got now. Holding hands, we headed towards the tour bus. No one else would be on there, it would be ours alone.

We barely made it into the coach when Dom removed his shirt and threw it to the floor. I turned around and grabbed hold of his trousers, pulling at his belt. I felt his hand on the back of my neck, stroking round to my cheek. We were in the social section of the bus, two sofas opposite each other beside a dining table and a small kitchen unit. It's mostly used for cups of tea on the road, but that's all you need really. I pushed Dom onto one of the sofas, stripping him of his belt and his trousers. He pulled my shirt over my head and started to kiss my chest. Each one made my heart race even faster and I dug my nails into his back. I could hear him undo my zipper and button, and his smooth hands removing my trousers. Now, we were just in our boxers, but that was going to change. I needed him now, all of him. After we took them off, I straddled him on the chair, locking my lips with his. My tongue danced with his as my hands tangoed through his hair, pulling him closer for our final waltz. I pulled back and pushed into him, still holding onto his head, keeping him under my control. We become one body, moving together, it almost felt like time had stopped except for us. We had the world to ourselves, everything around us was being swept away and I refuse to let go.

"Wait… Matt, we should…" Dom tried to catch his breath as I caressed his body with my lips. I knew what he was going to suggest, we probably should head upstairs. Anyone could walk in right now and this was our intimate moment. I looked him in the eye and stroked his face.

"Okay, let's go." I bit at his neck, sucking it gently, causing him to moan even louder. Two weeks ago even thinking about this would have made my palms sweaty and my face flush, but now, I felt confident with him, I felt… sexy, I guess. For once, I actually felt in control with our love and passion. The thoughts of Tom had completely left my mind, nothing was blocking my emotions now. Ours was not a love of the problematique, ours was perfect.

I sat up, body wet with sweat when I heard my jeans vibrating. I looked down and saw my pocket flashing and shaking, who on earth was trying to get a hold of me now? I didn't need to answer, but my stomach churned at the thought of leaving it. Horrible flashbacks to that night in the hotel make my chest tighten, I can't not answer… I feel sick otherwise.

Hmm, Chris… "Hey dude, what's up?"

"No time Matt, get Dom and get to the gym now!" His voice had a sense of panic to it, Chris never panics… something serious is up.

"Chris, what is going on?"

"It's… it's……To….." The phone died on the other end, the busy tone beeping at me, scaring me.

"What was that?" Dom sat up and looked at me, but I was too occupied trying to recall Chris, but to no avail. I could feel my heart racing, I didn't like this.

"Chris… called, something was wrong, he didn't say… what…" The sound of a siren filled the air as blue flashing lights shone through the glass windows. Oh god no…

I grabbed our clothes, throwing Dom his and putting mine on. I couldn't speak, I couldn't even breathe. An ambulance… someone was hurt. What was Chris trying to say… it sounded like… I fell to my knees, clutching my chest. This was too much. Dom pulled me on to the sofa and shook me, I regained my composure slightly but I had to find Chris and the others. I pushed Dom off me and ran out of the bus into the car park. There, I saw a stretcher being pulled out… it was Tom. At that point, I imagined only the worse. Tom… was…

The world started to melt again, like when I was having that flashback on the school bus. All the people I could see became nothing but shadows, a real sensation of fear and panic was in the air, but I couldn't make sense of it anymore. Life was flashing before my eyes, the faces of my friends and family. I tried to reach out to them, I reached out to the ambulance. They can't take him away, he's my friend, he can't be dead. Tom… isn't dead, he can't go. He just can't… I think I'm drowning… I think I'm dying… I think…no.

This world is so cruel.


	9. Chapter 9: Love This And I'll Hate You

Chapter 3 – Love Me and I'll Hate You

Something occurred to me as I stood in front of 15,000 people that night. It had been bothering me for days, niggling at the side of my mind, I couldn't quite put my finger on it and it had driven me crazy. Now, looking out at the crowd, waiting for the curtain to fall and the concert to begin, I finally worked it out. Why Tom had still smiled at me, despite everything I did to him. He believed in me and Dom, we were meant for each other. He introduced me to Dom, all those years ago and he knew that eventually we'd be together. It hurt him to admit it, but in the end, this was the way it was going to be, and he was just happy that I had finally found someone who would care for me. I finally realised it. He accepted our love.

But one question remained. Why can't we?

*** Two days ago ***

Hospitals. I hate hospitals. Every time I go to one, it's the same old treatment. They never tell you what is happening and you are left in the dark assuming the worst. Now, that could just be terrible luck on my half. The last time I was at a hospital was when my mum was in a car accident. I had to wait seven hours to be told she was okay. I've never had such a draining and frightening time in my life. Before that was when Dom's father passed away and we all know how that ended.

Now, I'm waiting to hear the latest on Tom. Apparently when I saw them pull out the stretcher, I collapsed from "overwhelming stress". Whether they realised it or not, I felt guilty for what happened, I still do. It was my fault he took that overdose. I will never forgive myself. Fortunately, Chris found him before it was too late, but I didn't know this at the time. My body ached all over, any movement caused my head to throb and so far I've been waiting for three hours to hear any news.

I hate hospitals.

"Hey Matt, how are you holding up?" Usually, if Dom tried to comfort me, I was grateful… but now his words just went through me. He sat next to me and put his arm around me. It wouldn't work though, I was beyond help. I stood up and walked away, pacing back and forth.

"It should be me in that room; it should be who is fighting to stay alive!" It felt odd to shout at Dom, but to be honest, l I would have shouted no matter who it was. All the frustration and anger inside of me was pouring out.

"Matt, calm down."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! He is dying because of me!"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because… I'll never be able to give him what he wants. He loves me, but I don't…" My words trailed off when I noticed Dom's face. His eyes widened when I mentioned Tom's confession and a look of confusion followed. Wow, he really didn't tell anyone. Now I feel even worse for saying it… well, yelling it in the corridors.

"So… oh." Dom had no clue, not at all. I turned away from him, my fists clenched, crying.

"I've hurt so many people, it shouldn't be him on that bed. I'm the one who should die…"

I should have predicted what would happen if I said that, especially to Dom. It was a horrible morbid thing to think. I turned to look at him, but he had already left. Great, one more person I've hurt today, I must be going for a personal record.

"Excuse me, are you Matthew Bellamy?" Fans. In the hospital. Not now, not fucking now.

"Leave me alone… oh err, sorry doctor." Nice one Matt, you moron.

"Well, sorry to interrupt you, but your friend wants to see you."

Tom wants to see me, that can't be right, why would he even want to look at me? I looked over at his room and sighed. How can I look at him? I opened the door slowly to see Tom sitting up in his bed, staring at the wall to his left.

"Hey Matt, I'm glad you're here." Must be the medication speaking, he must hate me. All the hospital equipment, pumping away, I felt sick. This was my fault. I couldn't even look at him now.

"Tom…"

"Take a seat, we need to talk." Oh god no, we don't need to talk, please don't make me talk.

"Okay," I sat down beside him, "I just need to say…"

"No, I need to talk first." My stomach churned, this was it. I closed my eyes and nodded. Hear him out Matt… this is it.

"First of, I owe a big apology to you, to Dom, Chris, my family; this was a very selfish act and I don't know why I did that. Also, I need to apologise personally for yesterday. I know you and Dom were happy, you are so good together. Ever since we met each other fifteen years at school, you would always tell me about your feelings towards Dom. I wanted to tell you so badly how much I admired you, how much I enjoyed spending time with you. It hurt that you only wanted him. Fifteen long years, why I cracked today, I don't know. I love you both, you are both my best friends and I couldn't ask for a happier life. I want you to be happy, I want you both to be happy, and if that means I have to move on… then that is the way it'll be."

Staring at the floor, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. Tears were running down my cheeks, I felt low, so guilty.

"You should… have told me."

"Why? Why would I hurt you Matt, you were my best friend. You chose to confide in me, how could I let you down? The fact that I gave in yesterday and did what I did…"

I couldn't hold it any longer, I started to sob. He must have been so sad, all this time. I leant over and hugged him; my body was shaking all over. I thought I had struggled, I thought my life had been hard. How could I be so oblivious to his pain? I was so selfish… but what I couldn't understand was why he was being so nice, after all this pain.

"You must hate me Tom."

He just smiled at me and closed his eyes, he must have been shattered. At least he was alive and, for some bizarre reason, happy? I held his hand for a few minutes as he fell asleep, and then carefully, I left the room.

"Why is he happy? How?"

"Because he cares for you and always will." Dom, what are you talking about…what, Meia?

"What? How did you, I…?" How much did she know? I looked at her, she was so much like Dom, it was scary, and it was…I had to, well I didn't have to. I grabbed hold of her, hugging so closely. Right now, I didn't know what to think anymore. She was so warm and comforting, she was wonderful. I looked at her, it was wrong. It was… I just wanted to…

"Matt, don't." She shook her head and let go of me, frowning at me. She was right, what was I thinking?

"Thank you, Meia. I think, I need to find Dom."

"Aye, that you do. See you later, Matt." She patted my arm and walked away. I stood there, staring down the corridor. Today was a messed up day, all days feel messed up so far. I just wish life would go smoothly for once. Please.

"Dude, how is he?" Chris put his hand on my shoulder and I sighed.

"I have no idea." I walked off, leaving Chris behind. I couldn't talk to him right now, I just needed some fresh air. That would be really helpful right now. I heard the door close behind me, maybe Tom would tell Chris everything, I couldn't…

Outside the hospital was a group of smokers, I really wanted to join them. I don't smoke, certainly not often, but certain situations can make a man desperate. I looked for someone who had a spare cigarette, when I saw Dom sitting at the side. He was on a wooden bench, arms crossed and his head laying back. I couldn't tell it he was sleeping, but I walked up to him and sat beside him. His eyes were closed, but I could tell he had been crying. After a while, he must have sensed something as he opened his eyes.

"Hmm, oh?" He looked at me and frowned, "It's you." That didn't sound good.

"Yeah, I really need to apologise."

"No need, it doesn't matter." He sounded so tired, so… emotionless in his voice.

"Why?"

"You and me, we are always going to be like this. I'm just going to have to get used to it."

"Like what?" He sat forward and sighed at me.

"A drama. You will always be the centre of a crisis. I don't think, I don't think I want that. That is not who I fell in love with." Is he trying to… break up with me?

"That's not true. I didn't know that Tom felt that way about me, honestly."

"How about Meia?" What about her… "You like her, don't you?"

"Look Dom, that is totally irrelevant…"

"Do you like her, yes or no Matt!"

"Why are you so paranoid?"

"I know what you are like Matt. You don't think before acting, you remember what happened with that reporter?" Don't bring that up Dom, that was in the past… "You called her, and you wanted to sleep with her."

"Yes because I thought you were with Erika! I was so upset that you had left me, I thought we had something special."

"That's why I'm so mad with you now. I love you!"

"If you love me, then trust me!" This was not what I imagined would happen. I could never argue with him before, but now…

"I do…"

"You don't. You've assumed I was going to leave you for Meia. You've assumed that I was going to throw it all away. You remember that speech I made at the award show?"

"Err, yeah, I do."

"I meant every word. I know I broke my trust before, but I've changed. I've changed for you. You know something else, when I met Meia, I told her about us. I told her I couldn't live without you and that nothing would get in the way of that." Dom stared at the floor, I know I didn't have to shout at him.

"You said that?"

"Yes! I fucking love you… I would give up everything for you. Yet, you don't trust me… I know I can be weak, but I also know how much you mean to me. You want me to be honest, okay, I did like Meia, she wasn't my friend because of who I was, and they gave me comfort. But she will never be anywhere as good as you… ever." I could see him starting to cry, but I wasn't feeling sympathetic to him.

"I'm sorry Matt."

"No need. It doesn't matter." Now it was my turn. He looked at me in confusion but I turned away.

"Matt?"

"Dom… you were right. This will never work." I stood up, my throat was dry and my chest was hurting. "I think… we should call… call it… off. We… need to break…up."

*** Today ***

I had finally got the words out, and they were more distressing then I could ever imagine. Dom and I… we weren't to be together for a while. How long this would last, I have no idea. I still can't believe any of it. Breaking up with my fiancé was easier than this. Now I truly feel alone, now I've left everyone far behind. Even on the stage, I felt distant. We can't start it over again, we need to grow as individuals first, detach ourselves and become strangers. The curtains fall and I lift my guitar. Tonight, I'm playing as a band for the fans, and when I look over at him, I won't have the desire to kiss him, to hold him… and tell him I love him. I'm lying though, I want to do all of those things. I'm crying inside, I'm losing life's wonder… and I don't want to. I want to love him so much.

We were no longer accepting our love for each other and I could no longer feel him anymore. Something else also occurred to me as I played in front of 15,000 people that night… I've never been so alone.


End file.
